Home This is an archive of angsty and cringey poems, enjoy!

The sunrise this morning beamed rays through my home, and I wondered what would have been if I was somewhere else.
My eyes drifted from the window to the floor as I observed a lack of balance in my life.
Mind drifting, I began to wonder if I’d been punished for doing my best.
Mind sputtering, I began to wonder if awareness is eternal.
Can I have joy in the small things around me?
Am I biting off more than I can chew?
I only remember melting down and not exactly what happened to cause it;
somewhere between cultivating my independence and having honest conversations about life.

I want someone to shake my world, my view; my very core.
Without making it all come to a hault.
I've been in love, trust with my entire being, and been shook to unknown depths of devestation.
But every one of those times, my world came crashing down.
It ceased to exist.
I became a blip in a timeline, not even sure if it was my own.
Subliminally aware, blissfully unaware.
But next time, whenever that time comes, I want it to feel like a roaring wind.
A moving storm, on a course set for destruction and determination.
A purpose to rebuild and remold, to be present in the moment, and not carry the past so readily on my shoulders.
I want to give burial to these past sorrows.
I want to leave the bitterness behind, and make room for sweet new memories.

can't tell anyone

can't confide in, or trust in, or believe in anyone

all i do is inflict unneeded tension

i'm a stress causer, a life waster, a soul crusher

i wish i could do better

in doing so i have to keep everything to myself

i will probably burst at the seams and have a mental breakdown eventually

but i'm tired of causing others pain

making them worry over someone they didn't really want to worry about

because we're all suffering

we all want to be selfish

truth be told, i want just one person to cherish and give my all to

it doesn't need to be romantic, in fact, platonic would be preferred

someone to relate to

someone to heal with

it's all a fantasy but i'll keep dreaming

feeling the pressure in my bladder

from guzzling water in fear of being unhealthy

in fear of another trigger

in fear

feeling so lonely these days

aching for attention but begging to be left alone

i wish i could love myself the way another would

that's a different kind of love though

it lacks intimacy and that is all i crave

sitting here alone

wallowing in my sadness

discovering new tunes to relate to

is a form of intimacy i suppose

but it feels lack luster

and oh so lonely

It's almost as if some unseen force inside of me is preventing me to move on.
I've searched for answers and reasons but it's always the same thing: you choose how you feel.
But what if I choose happiness and the sad feelings stay anyway?
What if I do believe in myself, but there's some voice inside me that says I'm better off dead?
What is this thing inside of me?
I want it out; I claw at my chest as it inflames in a rash, resulting in more bumps and scratches.
I feel so ugly, so I pick at and destroy my face, even though I know all I have to do is leave it alone and it will improve.
Why does this ugliness hang on so tight, like it's syphoning all the joy left in me?
There is no known reason, no pin-pointed explanation.
My brain decided a long time ago it would rather cling to the darkness than embrace the light.
But why and for how much longer will I last in this prison?

I know that I must be sad

because every month I find it just as difficult to carry on

even though I keep telling myself it's a fluctuation

my body's natural response

my brain's defenses weaken

I'm slowly sinking

already neck deep in this hole of self pity

Sometimes I'm terrified

that maybe

this hole in my heart has remained dark and listless

never been able to see the light at the top

it feels as though it's been festering

this whole time I thought I was safe

and yet

I find myself falling aprt less and less

my panic isn't so frantic and angry as it used to be

but instead has boiled down to a lull

dripping with disdain and steaming to the surface

Most days I can muster the strength to ignore it

but days like today

I find it incredibly hard to pretend it's not there

But I did understand the panic and woeful throttle of broken hearts.
I understood it so vividly.
I can still taste the bile, daring to escape from my gut.
It churns and boils and I want to scream or just let it all out.
But the fear locks it deep within, so it festers and seethes with rot.
My voice betrays me, it cracks; I cry.
So suddenly and at an alarming volume, I flinch, and inevitably spit dribbles down my chin.
Knuckles turn white, fists balled into tiny weapons; I feel an urge to hit something.
The hard floor doesn't react to my impact, so I cry with even greater force.
I pull my hair; my scalp is numb, along with the tip of my nose, the corners of my mouth.
I've already collapsed to the floor, knees buckle under my weight; they too lose all feeling.
Just when I think I'm dying of a heart attack, the palpations slow.
That fuzzy TV feeling fades slowly, and then it's me, heaving and hiccuping.
This isn't some contest to win.
This is just me, saying I've been there, so I understand, even just this tiny bit.

We shuffled into your car, the night sky coercing me to believe it couldn't be morning.
Swaying in my seat I listen to another amazing song I don't know the name of.
Instead of asking about it, I watch you pack tobacco into your pipe, every movement you make draws my attention, imagining you've done this more than a thousand times.
As you let out your first puff, the smoke billows and cascades across the windshield.
The sight overtakes me and I imagine we're up in the sky, away from the all the bustle of the city.
Taking off down your road in the dark, I make quick glances at you, wishing I could stare forever.
It took me awhile to realize it, but you're the soundtrack to my life.
I'd fantasize of meeting someone broken, and one day we'd heal together and by doing so we'd stay together forever.
I think that person is you, I think I might've made it real.

I've been feeling so lethargic these past few days. All I can think about is him.
Thinking about how we would live together forever.
How we would break up and potentially ruin our lives.
I see it all, the bad and the good, that could come from this.
I'm too consumed in my own thoughts.
They crash against me, sloshing around inside my head.
It's deafening and makes my stomach lurch, like I ate too much or not enough.
Rotting and hot, my breath seethes anxiety, spilling through clenched teeth.
I wonder if this is what falling in love will be like everytime.

Still on my mind, I can taste your kiss on my lips.
The kind of memory that jerks you back to reality,
like a sad dog commercial, or an amazing new song.
My brain goes full-on static mode,
as I'm retracing your body and thinking how fuckng perfect you looked.
I can feel my heart grow heavy,
remembering the faint trace of cigarettes and beer in your mouth,
and how you automatically assumed I'd be ungrateful for a kiss like that.
But you don't know,
that I secretly pine for after-smoke kisses,
even more so when they're riddled with alcohol.
Something about tasting your handles,
tasting how human you really are,
it makes my blood sing and boil under my skin.
My face blooms under this sheerness I put on everyday.
I wonder if you can feel your face, too,
and i think you do,
because more often than not when I catch you staring at me,
your cheeks are flushed and your eyes are mesmerized.
I tell myself it's not me,
that it's just our hormones running amock.
Quietly, I yearn to be the reason your face lights up.

It is so hard to focus
when nothing feels right
When all I want to do
is listen to the rain fall against my window
I am drowning in a sea of paper
that I'm no longer familiar with
These pencils, pastels, and paints
don't feel right between my fingers anymore
I'm trying so hard to keep this inside
but I'm losing at everything else at the same time
I wonder what it's worth
if I don't even know what I'm doing here
Where will I be
in five or ten years
The question never phased me two years ago
but now it plagues me, makes me sick with anxiety
I can't help but feel that my efforts are worthless
that trying to be good at something won't get me anywhere

It's a late afternoon
Or maybe an early evening
The time of day where I used to lay in bed
And cry or sleep for hours on end
Even though that was a while ago
The itch to fall apart in tears
Or feel exhausted after a good nights sleep
Wriggles its way back inside me
Today I have cried twice
Without warning
And though I've dug deep enough to find a stable reason for those tears
They don't make sense as to why they'd make me cry
With so much sorrow
With so much pain in my chest
These tears are leftovers from so many times spent in bed
Or on the floor bent in twisted shapes with the lights out
From the boy or two or three that I trusted too much
I'm not lonely now
But the loneliness from then
Finds its way back to me every now and then
It leaves me helpless
This old sadness sinks in
And it's like I've reverted back to the girl I was then
She's been underground for so long
I've forgotten the dark circles under her eyes
And her chapped lips and greasy hair
How little she cared about herself
She just wanted to crumble into nothingness
Maybe she knew better than I
That these leftover tears
Would find their way back to her

I know things have gotten bad
When my tears stop flowing as often
When my eyes look tired, even after sleeping a full night's sleep
Or not having cried at all
I know things are really fucked up
When my body aches
When my mind, not my head,
Starts to bruise and bleed
I can feel the welts,
Rising to the lining of my skull
About to burst with inexplicable sadness
Emptiness
A feeling of absolute hollowness, worthlessness
I realize things have gone too far
When this sadness has become silence
Nothing but fear, aches, and pains
Every breath feels meaningless
Most everything I do at this point holds little meaning to me
I know things are beyond fixing
When this sadness has swallowed me whole
And I can barely blink without feeling some form of regret
Some familiar itch telling me about every past failure
And future failed attempt
I realize things are done and broken
When I can clearly envision little cuts on every piece of me
And the tears don't even come
But instead silence welcomes the thoughts
As if to invite in every deadly little idea my mind has in store for itself
I know things are truly fucked up
When I can't actually laugh
At that one funny thing
That always used to make me laugh

Can I keep you around when I’m feeling lonely?
Can I push you away when I need solitude?
Will your heart be broken when I tell you there’s nothing between us?
Will your heart be saved if I told you I loved you?
I just like to keep you around because no one else needs me like you do.
Your neediness makes me uneasy but at the same time so comforting.
Make remarks, like how you feel so alone and unwanted.
Go ahead the next day and tell another girl you love her.
While I wait in my seclusion for something else to come along.
In between your sorrow and happiness, you can use me to fill your time.
As long as I can use you when I feel like there’s nothing left.
When there is really nothing to feel except for loss.
Can I keep you around?

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