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Bless you videogirl
April 5th, 2026
I briefly mentioned the album Anime Sweetheart by Munk last July, and how I couldn't
find any place to listen to it online. Just CDs for sale, and for cheap, but... I did
not mention that I actually own the CD! I got it back in 2006 maybe, but it's lost at my
dad's. Not really eager to go dig it out, yknow. Not really incentivized to buy another
one, either. I know, I know, I am the master of my own suffering blah blah blah. So I
just waited. Yesterday I got a bug in me to check online again for the album. Some
totally awesome person, videogirl on YouTube, uploaded the whole thing back in January!!
Here's the gold: Anime Sweetheart
I forgot how good the entire album is, most notably Creative Destruction. Kick in Th Butt Feel goes even harder than I remember, but maybe I just like silly lyrics. I am the kind of person that gets Menomena stuck in my head at least once a month, without even listening to it. No, not the fantastic alternative band that originated from my birthplace, although they do deserve more love! I'm talking about that song by the Muppets. Okay it's actually spelled Mahna Mahna but I digress. My memory is foggy most of the time. I thought They Might Be Giants did a cover but it was CAKE! It's so good, so goofy. It's featured on the album For The Kids, with a ton of other great bands from the late 90s/early 00s. It came out when I was 7, so go figure I fucking loved it.
Here's the gold: Anime Sweetheart
I forgot how good the entire album is, most notably Creative Destruction. Kick in Th Butt Feel goes even harder than I remember, but maybe I just like silly lyrics. I am the kind of person that gets Menomena stuck in my head at least once a month, without even listening to it. No, not the fantastic alternative band that originated from my birthplace, although they do deserve more love! I'm talking about that song by the Muppets. Okay it's actually spelled Mahna Mahna but I digress. My memory is foggy most of the time. I thought They Might Be Giants did a cover but it was CAKE! It's so good, so goofy. It's featured on the album For The Kids, with a ton of other great bands from the late 90s/early 00s. It came out when I was 7, so go figure I fucking loved it.
Turned out about as well as
you'd think
March 16th, 2026
So, obviously... the gummy method didn't last. It worked for 4 whole days! But then it
failed spectacularly, and I've since reverted to my old ways. That's alright, though,
because I have some ideas and am willing to try more stuff... I think. I have noticed
I've been able to get a lot done in the last few days. Maybe that will also go back to
the way it was after the gummies run out. I guess I could just self-talk myself into
believing nothing is wrong? Toxic positivty yaaay.
I'm getting more done on Faba's and Remy's art for their layouts. It feels like I'm getting just as much work done while taking my time than I do while rushing. Going back to fix mistakes and getting frustrated takes more time than I realize. I feel like I'm realizing the same or similar things often. That's common though innit?
I'm getting more done on Faba's and Remy's art for their layouts. It feels like I'm getting just as much work done while taking my time than I do while rushing. Going back to fix mistakes and getting frustrated takes more time than I realize. I feel like I'm realizing the same or similar things often. That's common though innit?
Documenting my
Delta-9 use and its benefits
March 4th, 2026
Last year, I tried Delta-9 gummies from Apollo. Looked gimmicky, prices seemed too good
to be true. I was desperate, still am, which leads to last week. The gummies didn't do
much for my pain last year, only a bit to help me take Excedrin less often, but not stop
completely. I would take 1 gummy and feel some effect an hour later. Nothing ground
breaking. So I stopped ordering them, and my migraines resumed their usual pattern.
Medication-overuse-headache (MOH), for sure. But my body and mental health have been
getting worse and I felt desperate enough to re-try some things. Apollo gummies were
still a thing, so I got some. Only this time, I doubled up. And HEEELLL YEEEAAH!! I'm
trying not to be too excited about it, but I haven't taken Excedrin in about 48 hours. I
haven't been able to do that in a year. I'm definitely feeling spacey and am extra slow
at everything, but it really beats being in debilitating pain. There's still a dull ache
every now and then, and I don't want to be zonked from the gummies, so I am taking 2 at
the start of my day and 2 several hours later, whenever I notice the pain becoming a
distraction. I supplemented with smoking yesterday but I haven't had any today. I'll
probably need some to sleep.
I understand I'm trading one addiction for another, but one is truly more harmful... I would rather have this trade-off, and figure a way to combat a THC dependence later on, than to keep myself in this MOH cycle of hell. The other thing I'm worried about is being able to afford this for the next 6 months. That's how long it could take to fully detox my system. Been taking Excedrin even longer, so it makes sense. I'm worried I'm jinxing myself, but I want to keep track of this in as many ways as possible. I want to make it easy but somewhat fun, so it's encouraging. Like filling out an internet quiz!
Gummies: 12pm (1), 3pm (2), 7pm (2), 12am (2)
I understand I'm trading one addiction for another, but one is truly more harmful... I would rather have this trade-off, and figure a way to combat a THC dependence later on, than to keep myself in this MOH cycle of hell. The other thing I'm worried about is being able to afford this for the next 6 months. That's how long it could take to fully detox my system. Been taking Excedrin even longer, so it makes sense. I'm worried I'm jinxing myself, but I want to keep track of this in as many ways as possible. I want to make it easy but somewhat fun, so it's encouraging. Like filling out an internet quiz!
Gummies: 12pm (1), 3pm (2), 7pm (2), 12am (2)
Are the vitamins
actually working for once?
February 28th, 2026
I really want to blog. I want to draw even more. But omg the dull aches and pain and
brain fog and aphasia and the difficulty that is trying to spell right now...
backspacing into infinity and beyond babyyy. But when I feel the flow, I try to let it
do its thing. Even if it's brief and uninteresting. And just noticing and being aware of
mood shifts. Is it the vitamins? Maybe? It's been 2 weeks since being good about taking
them daily. In reality, I'm ovulating. TMI, sorry but it's facts!! I'm a firm believer
in normalizing discussing the body's cycles, cause guess what, men have them too! And
while they aren't experiencing the physical symptoms of bleeding, cramps, and discharge,
they are certainly feeling a hormonal shift like us ladies do. Cheers to normalizing our
funky, lovely bods!
I also want to say: Thank you to everyone who visits my page, views my art gallery, reads my blog posts, comments on my guestbook... it is incredibly gratifying to exist in this space with all of you. The differences we have and experiences we share; I love to see it all. Even the bleak and perhaps even vulgar opinions and morals. It makes me all the more grateful to be where I am now. Surely there's still so much to learn and room to grow, but these moments of appreciation are crucial for me to carry on.
I've hemmed and hawed over whether to make some special art for reaching 100k views or 100 followers. The followers makes more sense, considering I am probably 50% of my own views!! I just gotta see the work I put into this, and make sure there's as few spelling errors as possible! But then I feel like making an announcement would be like treating this as social media, and I do NOT want that to carry over on here. I'm sure I will eventually think of something because I really do appreciate all the love I have recieved on here, and I'd like to show that in more than just words.
Also been thinking about making a clique! But there are so many good ones for stuff I already like, so that will just sit on ye old brain shelf for now.
Later today I was watching EWU and meth was involved in this certain case, and that spurred me to remember I read this series, called the Crank trilogy by Ellen Hpokins when I was 13/14. I actually didn't know there was a 3rd book, I only read Crank and Glass. Reflecting on those now makes me realize I've always liked "edgy" and "cringey" stuff, even if I didn't know it then. That got me to Goodreads, where I was enjoying the 1 and 2 star reviews. In the reccomended was exit here. by Jason Myers, a book I held very close to my heart and actually did a book report on it... when I was 15. It went over surprisingly well. Loved that teacher. But damn, the reviews for exit here. are incredible. So many dots connecting and realizations about this piece of media that I thought inspired me so deeply... I'm sure Myers would be thrilled. In fact I know he was, because my fangirl ass wrote to him and told him how much I loved his books!! And he wrote back, with a hand-written letter and doodles! It's in my keepsake box buried among other letters from friends, concert tickets and old trinkets and gadgets I couldn't part with. Way too distracting to sort through for right now, but another time I will upload it. For now, please enjoy these reviews. They are accurate and hilarious.
Yeah... it was redundant. Pure comedy.
He was about 29 when he wrote this!! Amazing. And he loooves to reference shit from the 80s/90s; dude clearly wanted to be living in a different era.
This is where all the synpases fired off at once in my brain, something I already knew but failed to say out loud. Myers writes like Bret Easton Ellis. He undoubtedly spun Less Than Zero into this fresh tale, but instead of being in the 80s and referencing the 80s, it's set in the early 2000s referencing the 80s... Now, the hardest pill to swallow: I can't fucking stand Ellis' writing style. Snooze fest. Tuck me in and read me to sleep, mommy, cause that prose has me dozing. I read Myers when I was 14, loved it. I read Ellis when I was 23, loathed it. I can't face the music, fellas. I'm just gonna shelve that as well, I guess LOL.
I also want to say: Thank you to everyone who visits my page, views my art gallery, reads my blog posts, comments on my guestbook... it is incredibly gratifying to exist in this space with all of you. The differences we have and experiences we share; I love to see it all. Even the bleak and perhaps even vulgar opinions and morals. It makes me all the more grateful to be where I am now. Surely there's still so much to learn and room to grow, but these moments of appreciation are crucial for me to carry on.
I've hemmed and hawed over whether to make some special art for reaching 100k views or 100 followers. The followers makes more sense, considering I am probably 50% of my own views!! I just gotta see the work I put into this, and make sure there's as few spelling errors as possible! But then I feel like making an announcement would be like treating this as social media, and I do NOT want that to carry over on here. I'm sure I will eventually think of something because I really do appreciate all the love I have recieved on here, and I'd like to show that in more than just words.
Also been thinking about making a clique! But there are so many good ones for stuff I already like, so that will just sit on ye old brain shelf for now.
Later today I was watching EWU and meth was involved in this certain case, and that spurred me to remember I read this series, called the Crank trilogy by Ellen Hpokins when I was 13/14. I actually didn't know there was a 3rd book, I only read Crank and Glass. Reflecting on those now makes me realize I've always liked "edgy" and "cringey" stuff, even if I didn't know it then. That got me to Goodreads, where I was enjoying the 1 and 2 star reviews. In the reccomended was exit here. by Jason Myers, a book I held very close to my heart and actually did a book report on it... when I was 15. It went over surprisingly well. Loved that teacher. But damn, the reviews for exit here. are incredible. So many dots connecting and realizations about this piece of media that I thought inspired me so deeply... I'm sure Myers would be thrilled. In fact I know he was, because my fangirl ass wrote to him and told him how much I loved his books!! And he wrote back, with a hand-written letter and doodles! It's in my keepsake box buried among other letters from friends, concert tickets and old trinkets and gadgets I couldn't part with. Way too distracting to sort through for right now, but another time I will upload it. For now, please enjoy these reviews. They are accurate and hilarious.
Yeah... it was redundant. Pure comedy.
He was about 29 when he wrote this!! Amazing. And he loooves to reference shit from the 80s/90s; dude clearly wanted to be living in a different era.
This is where all the synpases fired off at once in my brain, something I already knew but failed to say out loud. Myers writes like Bret Easton Ellis. He undoubtedly spun Less Than Zero into this fresh tale, but instead of being in the 80s and referencing the 80s, it's set in the early 2000s referencing the 80s... Now, the hardest pill to swallow: I can't fucking stand Ellis' writing style. Snooze fest. Tuck me in and read me to sleep, mommy, cause that prose has me dozing. I read Myers when I was 14, loved it. I read Ellis when I was 23, loathed it. I can't face the music, fellas. I'm just gonna shelve that as well, I guess LOL.
Feeling rotten,
thorny, and encouraged
February 19th, 2026
Every other month seems to be more difficult than the last. Mildly tortuous sacrifices
to the blood god, return to baseline, then tossed to the throes of sacrificing blood to
the blood god, then back again to baseline. The amount of blood doesn't seem to matter;
the physical pain doesn't equate either. It's the shift in hormones, the agonizing over
existence and all that life has or hasn't offered. And so I just feel stuck. And gross.
And overly vulnerable. My only respite is the caffeine from the painkillers; uppers,
uppers, uppers... until I'm falling down again. And I keep falling, until 6 to 12 hours
have gone by, when I can take the shit that heals me that also eats me from the inside
out. Rotting while falling, insides churning and floating, biting the inside of my
cheeks, choking on spit that I inhaled wrong. All of it comes back to the same thing.
I'm anxious, apparently all the time. How do you settle with your pain? When it's
chronic? How do you accept your fate and keep making the most of each day? It feels
benign, pointless; a void I can't look away from.
"You need to take time for yourself."
"You're allowed to do the things you want to do."
Then, what happens when that's all you can do? When taking care of yourself is the only time you feel okay? Do you neglect every other part of your life, because it stresses you out to the point of continuous pain and mental anguish? It feels so fucking dramatic when typing it out loud. How can I really take care of myself if I can hardly work, or barely handle socialization? Is it the type of work I keep finding, the people I'm meeting and attracting? Or is it just... me? I put this all out here for me. At the end of the day, it is for me to either come back to or not. To see that I'm not crazy, my moods do shift dramatically, and I do want to change that. It takes so much longer to heal, the more you put it off. Trying to be gentle with myself, tell myself that someday I'll feel better. Someday I won't feel this weird, fleeting misery that is so graciously bestowed upon me every month. Hysterectomy? HRT? No more NSAIDs, cause I am begging to not have my brain chemistry altered anymore.
I'm out of the fog for now, just feeling these residual emotions that take awhile to flush from my system. Or at least, the intensity depletes and I can breathe normal again. It is a cycle, and I need to discover or invent ways to better deal with it. I used to purge the crud in my head with my art, but for years now it's been difficult to be that transparent. I've resigned to simple, direct angles, and boring anatomy, but at least it still brings me joy. As long as my art doesn't feel like a chore I'm slogging through, I'm still okay. As long as the one thing that makes me feel like I matter still feels good, then it's going to be okay. And even if someday it doesn't, I'll just have to remind myself that I'll be worthy, no matter what happens. Pieces will be picked up, bones and muscle will propel me forward if all else is lost; and that is alright.
And the other reason I wanted to post something today: music!! Back again with comparing similar ditties. One pair more obvious than the other, but eh.
The opening of Since Yesterday by Strawberry Switchblade compared to the chorus of Stories by Paige O'Hara. COME ON?? So cool.
Both in A minor, Home by Toby Fox and Own Two Feet by Jeff van Dyck. Both are so lovely and invoke the feeling of coming home after a good, long day.
"You need to take time for yourself."
"You're allowed to do the things you want to do."
Then, what happens when that's all you can do? When taking care of yourself is the only time you feel okay? Do you neglect every other part of your life, because it stresses you out to the point of continuous pain and mental anguish? It feels so fucking dramatic when typing it out loud. How can I really take care of myself if I can hardly work, or barely handle socialization? Is it the type of work I keep finding, the people I'm meeting and attracting? Or is it just... me? I put this all out here for me. At the end of the day, it is for me to either come back to or not. To see that I'm not crazy, my moods do shift dramatically, and I do want to change that. It takes so much longer to heal, the more you put it off. Trying to be gentle with myself, tell myself that someday I'll feel better. Someday I won't feel this weird, fleeting misery that is so graciously bestowed upon me every month. Hysterectomy? HRT? No more NSAIDs, cause I am begging to not have my brain chemistry altered anymore.
I'm out of the fog for now, just feeling these residual emotions that take awhile to flush from my system. Or at least, the intensity depletes and I can breathe normal again. It is a cycle, and I need to discover or invent ways to better deal with it. I used to purge the crud in my head with my art, but for years now it's been difficult to be that transparent. I've resigned to simple, direct angles, and boring anatomy, but at least it still brings me joy. As long as my art doesn't feel like a chore I'm slogging through, I'm still okay. As long as the one thing that makes me feel like I matter still feels good, then it's going to be okay. And even if someday it doesn't, I'll just have to remind myself that I'll be worthy, no matter what happens. Pieces will be picked up, bones and muscle will propel me forward if all else is lost; and that is alright.
And the other reason I wanted to post something today: music!! Back again with comparing similar ditties. One pair more obvious than the other, but eh.
The opening of Since Yesterday by Strawberry Switchblade compared to the chorus of Stories by Paige O'Hara. COME ON?? So cool.
Both in A minor, Home by Toby Fox and Own Two Feet by Jeff van Dyck. Both are so lovely and invoke the feeling of coming home after a good, long day.
Meeeeemories light
the corners of my mind
February 1st, 2026
I was watching Izzzyzzz's new video about the Star Girl games and was blasted with
memories from the early-mid 2000s. I was 18 when Star Girl first came out, so I'd
already had my fill of online spaces that were't appropriate for my age. IMVU is still
going today, but it was quite different in 2005. First place I learned what ASL meant,
oh brother... While there wasn't a bot problem on there, or to my knowledge, there was a
creep problem. I was educated on stranger danger, nay, I was marinated in one of
the stranger danger peaks. DARE was at my schools several times a year, and we had
drills for intruders/kidnappers more often than we did for shooters. So I was
practically programmed to be fearful of adults that I didn't know. Key word: adults.
They fucked up when they didn't warn young kids that older kids can be predators, too.
Though that stems into a whole other conversation, but I digress...
I'll never know if the "16-18 year olds" I talked to online were actually that age. I'm made even more aware of that because I was 10-12, claiming to be 16. 16 is still a minor, but that didn't register for an elementary school kiddo like me. It was like being a teenager was a safe zone; I'll be percieved as more mature by my peers, and my peers are surely other teenagers just looking for normal, healthy connection... right? There was so much bullshit I got up to, not just on IMVU, but on AIM, MSN, email, Newgrounds, forums, MySpace, and even Neopets. I was fully trusting of strangers within a short time of getting to know them, giving them my phone number (yikes!!) and email (sort of a big deal for kids) easily. I was making friends from around the world! So I thought.
My mom answered the phone one day to a random man, asking for me by my real name. I was 10 at the time. She didn't tell me until I was older, maybe 17. That a middle-aged man called my home asking if Nikki was there? And when she told him she thinks he has the wrong number, apparently he got quiet and replied, "I think so, too." Man knew the mother answered, and didn't even try that spiel of, "I just wanted to show your daughter how dangerous this was!" Nah... but who's to say he didn't go on to connect with other young girls? Did their parents answer the phone before they could? It's so scary to think about...
And all of that made me remember the time I packed a bag, ready to flee to Eastern Canada to meet my online boyfriend! Who has since been confirmed to be real; found him on Facebook 15 years ago, still have him on there today! We don't talk but the way we ended was strange, so to see each other online after so many years was too weird an opportunity to pass up. I haven't posted in years and neither has he; honestly hoping he's living his best life! I was 13 and he was 15 at the time, of course long distance. And oh my god, the connection we had was so pure. I still remember the feeling of being so safe and feeling so seen, that I shared my deepest, most embarassing secrets with him. Never judged me, but instead admitted how emotional he was that I felt the way I did. We were just sweet and silly and kinda nuts about each other. We talked a lot for a month, but he stopped responding for several months after. He claimed he was sent off to boot camp and while he was away, all his feelings for me went away, too. It's more than likely that was just an excuse, but we were young, and anyway... I. Was. Devestated. It wasn't even a sloppy, messy, horrible break-up. There couldn't be, really, because our connection was so short-lived. I think I was 15 or 16 when I found him online again, and it was a very simple "OMG, it's you!! How are you? Good? Good!" And I was oddly at peace with that. He still comes to mind when I think about 2008-2010, when I see people with his name, and sometimes when Canada is mentioned. Even though we were young and it was incredibly brief, that connection was and is something I'd like to strive for. It was unfettered by sex (we never spoke sexually but omg did I fantasize) or social constructs or anything that would normally prevent a 13 and 15 year old from being together. That sounds creepy but I just mean, there was no judgement on us. We kept our "relationship" hidden. Had we known each other in person, it may have actually ended badly. Not that I think he'd coerce me to do anything, just that teens can be horny creatures. And I was terrified of sex at the age of 13, rightfully so. Or had our friends and parents known, it would've been shut down so fast.
Anyway... I didn't believe this at the time, but I believe now that things were meant to happen that way with him. Perhaps it was a glimpse into something I would want someday? Like, "you can't have this now, but someday, it will be so, so good, and these are the green flags to look for." Of course I didn't take it that way back then, or when I was 19, or 21 or 25 or 28. I did not accept the lessons learned until years of therapy. Some people are only meant to be in your life for a brief period, and then we have to let them go. Some people show us exactly who they are early on, and we should believe them. Both pieces of advice suck if you're not willing to accept them, but once you're able to, it can make everything in life much easier to process. I'm still working on it all, so all I can say is keep on keepin' on!
I'll never know if the "16-18 year olds" I talked to online were actually that age. I'm made even more aware of that because I was 10-12, claiming to be 16. 16 is still a minor, but that didn't register for an elementary school kiddo like me. It was like being a teenager was a safe zone; I'll be percieved as more mature by my peers, and my peers are surely other teenagers just looking for normal, healthy connection... right? There was so much bullshit I got up to, not just on IMVU, but on AIM, MSN, email, Newgrounds, forums, MySpace, and even Neopets. I was fully trusting of strangers within a short time of getting to know them, giving them my phone number (yikes!!) and email (sort of a big deal for kids) easily. I was making friends from around the world! So I thought.
My mom answered the phone one day to a random man, asking for me by my real name. I was 10 at the time. She didn't tell me until I was older, maybe 17. That a middle-aged man called my home asking if Nikki was there? And when she told him she thinks he has the wrong number, apparently he got quiet and replied, "I think so, too." Man knew the mother answered, and didn't even try that spiel of, "I just wanted to show your daughter how dangerous this was!" Nah... but who's to say he didn't go on to connect with other young girls? Did their parents answer the phone before they could? It's so scary to think about...
And all of that made me remember the time I packed a bag, ready to flee to Eastern Canada to meet my online boyfriend! Who has since been confirmed to be real; found him on Facebook 15 years ago, still have him on there today! We don't talk but the way we ended was strange, so to see each other online after so many years was too weird an opportunity to pass up. I haven't posted in years and neither has he; honestly hoping he's living his best life! I was 13 and he was 15 at the time, of course long distance. And oh my god, the connection we had was so pure. I still remember the feeling of being so safe and feeling so seen, that I shared my deepest, most embarassing secrets with him. Never judged me, but instead admitted how emotional he was that I felt the way I did. We were just sweet and silly and kinda nuts about each other. We talked a lot for a month, but he stopped responding for several months after. He claimed he was sent off to boot camp and while he was away, all his feelings for me went away, too. It's more than likely that was just an excuse, but we were young, and anyway... I. Was. Devestated. It wasn't even a sloppy, messy, horrible break-up. There couldn't be, really, because our connection was so short-lived. I think I was 15 or 16 when I found him online again, and it was a very simple "OMG, it's you!! How are you? Good? Good!" And I was oddly at peace with that. He still comes to mind when I think about 2008-2010, when I see people with his name, and sometimes when Canada is mentioned. Even though we were young and it was incredibly brief, that connection was and is something I'd like to strive for. It was unfettered by sex (we never spoke sexually but omg did I fantasize) or social constructs or anything that would normally prevent a 13 and 15 year old from being together. That sounds creepy but I just mean, there was no judgement on us. We kept our "relationship" hidden. Had we known each other in person, it may have actually ended badly. Not that I think he'd coerce me to do anything, just that teens can be horny creatures. And I was terrified of sex at the age of 13, rightfully so. Or had our friends and parents known, it would've been shut down so fast.
Anyway... I didn't believe this at the time, but I believe now that things were meant to happen that way with him. Perhaps it was a glimpse into something I would want someday? Like, "you can't have this now, but someday, it will be so, so good, and these are the green flags to look for." Of course I didn't take it that way back then, or when I was 19, or 21 or 25 or 28. I did not accept the lessons learned until years of therapy. Some people are only meant to be in your life for a brief period, and then we have to let them go. Some people show us exactly who they are early on, and we should believe them. Both pieces of advice suck if you're not willing to accept them, but once you're able to, it can make everything in life much easier to process. I'm still working on it all, so all I can say is keep on keepin' on!
Just dealing with
it all, y'know, life
January 31st, 2026
Things are looking bleak, and because I can't control my empathy, I've been "soft
avoiding" news. I still see it every day. I just... scroll past quickly because
otherwise I will cry and feel helpless. It's good to be aware, it's good to want change
and fight for the cause, but I cannot do it every day. So I've just been giving myself
grace, not giving a lot of time to think or worry, just submerging myself in hobbies.
Been working on my character's profiles, mostly Maeve's, but Faba's and Remy's too. They
all have outfits sketched out: casual, work, cozy, swim, and party. I've got some
screenshots in my WIPs gallery for now, don't want to show too much because it'll be so
fun once it's all put together!
Something I've always wanted to do is make a dress up game and/or an RPG maker type game. The dress up would be doable cause I don't need a story. I'm just not good at coming up with scenarios, not really! So all I've been wanting to do lately is draw my characters in those static positions from RPG games, you know like talking emotes, a surprised expression, angry, happy, etc. But I haven't really allowed myself to do that yet, since I want to get more done on the profiles and also have late gifts that need to be finished... I gotta keep my priorities straight. The RPG poses can come later, or whatever, drawing is for me at the end of the day, so why do I feel so conflicted? Cause I made promises and have obligations now. The thought to close down commissions forever has been itching at me for months, anyway. Not everyone can or should monetize their work. I think I'm one of those people? Maybe without the migraines and PMDD I'd feel more motivated, determined, passionate about making art as my career. But I think it makes me happier as a hobby. And I would be devestated if I started to resent art. It's happened before and I don't want to feel that way again. Just thinking about the possibilities, I guess.
Something I've always wanted to do is make a dress up game and/or an RPG maker type game. The dress up would be doable cause I don't need a story. I'm just not good at coming up with scenarios, not really! So all I've been wanting to do lately is draw my characters in those static positions from RPG games, you know like talking emotes, a surprised expression, angry, happy, etc. But I haven't really allowed myself to do that yet, since I want to get more done on the profiles and also have late gifts that need to be finished... I gotta keep my priorities straight. The RPG poses can come later, or whatever, drawing is for me at the end of the day, so why do I feel so conflicted? Cause I made promises and have obligations now. The thought to close down commissions forever has been itching at me for months, anyway. Not everyone can or should monetize their work. I think I'm one of those people? Maybe without the migraines and PMDD I'd feel more motivated, determined, passionate about making art as my career. But I think it makes me happier as a hobby. And I would be devestated if I started to resent art. It's happened before and I don't want to feel that way again. Just thinking about the possibilities, I guess.
Rationalizing to
survive
January 10th, 2026
Some days, admittedly usually during my luteal, I am irrationally upset at everything. I
sometimes even go on "witch hunts" but I don't fully consider them to be that, since I
never post or use the info I've gathered. It feels like putting a target on my back, in
a way, if I put too much out there. I feel this sense of injustice, I guess is the word,
but not for myself. I feel it for children and people who don't have a voice to stand up
for themselves. The ones who haven't lost faith, who are fighting for equality and
freedom, and mostly, safety... I feel whimpy for not being braver, for not sharing more
of my thoughts. But I really, truly do not want the backlash and the pain that will
inevitably come with it. And that's what it takes, isn't it? To make change happen, you
have to just go for it. Not blindly or senselessly, but you can't hold yourself back
with fear. And that's what I'm doing. I reassure myself, if I wasn't in chronic pain
every day of my life, I'd feel stronger, literally and metaphorically. But it isn't that
way. I wasn't dealt that hand. And I don't know how others with chronic pain can push
and pursue so much in life. I understand it's less of "can" and more "must". Maybe
someday I will recover and heal enough to do the same.
For now, I gather evidence, do research the best I can with as little bias as possible. Preferably none! But it is exceedingly difficult to not feel biased about crimes against children or people who weren't born in my country or were born here but don't "look local". Because that is off the table now with recent events. You could be pink, purple, blue or green and still, if you have empathy, if you want to fight for the rights of others... if you are so much as at the wrong place at the wrong time, things could end badly. That's the state of things right now, and it's too much to talk about with anyone close to me, because they either do not agree that there is something seriously wrong with this country, or they have their head in the sand. I think watching Eddington today also made me realize, that this totally sucks. Being pitted against each other while the Big Bad is jeering from the sidelines. It is so, so bleak as we're watching history repeat itself, with a potentially worse outcome. I feel like my head is in the sand against my will.
Project 2025 Tracker
For now, I gather evidence, do research the best I can with as little bias as possible. Preferably none! But it is exceedingly difficult to not feel biased about crimes against children or people who weren't born in my country or were born here but don't "look local". Because that is off the table now with recent events. You could be pink, purple, blue or green and still, if you have empathy, if you want to fight for the rights of others... if you are so much as at the wrong place at the wrong time, things could end badly. That's the state of things right now, and it's too much to talk about with anyone close to me, because they either do not agree that there is something seriously wrong with this country, or they have their head in the sand. I think watching Eddington today also made me realize, that this totally sucks. Being pitted against each other while the Big Bad is jeering from the sidelines. It is so, so bleak as we're watching history repeat itself, with a potentially worse outcome. I feel like my head is in the sand against my will.
Project 2025 Tracker
Pink Flamingos will
haunt me forever, in a good way
December 30th, 2025
I was watching the short Growth on Adult Swim and when that lady gave birth to a raw
steak, all the memories of Pink Flamigos came flooding back. Not just the movie, but the
experience of it. It's 2014, in an art theory class; I'm 19 and eager to learn. I'm
under the guise that my professors are all other-worldly and enlightened, because only
people who are that way become teachers, right...? I was already seeing the cracks in
the facade for one particular prof, the one who would inevitably show the movie for
class. You know the type of person; they act cool but deep down they're a miserable POS.
Yeah I'm pretty sure that was him. Anyway, the time comes to play the movie, and what
does this man do?
"I've already seen this movie, and I don't need to see it again. But it's important you all watch it. Okay I'll be right outside the classroom, enjoy!"
And so the 20-or-so of us were left. And we LOVED IT!! When it was finished and he came back in, we asked why couldn't he handle it another time? He said it made him deeply uncomfortable, but that was the point of the film. So I guess the takeway from him leaving is that it affects others more...? It was strictly made for shock value? NO!! John Waters is made of better stuff! There was nuance, although not much, and it's commentary was really focused on the "others" in life, isn't it? The down-trodden, the nasties, the sick freaks, the grossest people alive; those that society are too afraid to touch. They have their lives and they are the main characters in theirs, just as we are in ours. You're supposed to be confused and feel yucky when watching, that's the point; it's not normal, and that's fun! I'm also just a sucker for camp and kitsch, the epitome of Pink Flamingos, so maybe I'm biased.
"I've already seen this movie, and I don't need to see it again. But it's important you all watch it. Okay I'll be right outside the classroom, enjoy!"
And so the 20-or-so of us were left. And we LOVED IT!! When it was finished and he came back in, we asked why couldn't he handle it another time? He said it made him deeply uncomfortable, but that was the point of the film. So I guess the takeway from him leaving is that it affects others more...? It was strictly made for shock value? NO!! John Waters is made of better stuff! There was nuance, although not much, and it's commentary was really focused on the "others" in life, isn't it? The down-trodden, the nasties, the sick freaks, the grossest people alive; those that society are too afraid to touch. They have their lives and they are the main characters in theirs, just as we are in ours. You're supposed to be confused and feel yucky when watching, that's the point; it's not normal, and that's fun! I'm also just a sucker for camp and kitsch, the epitome of Pink Flamingos, so maybe I'm biased.
False memories?
December 12th, 2025
Every once in a while, I'll remember a moment from my private school days. When I was
maybe 5 or 6, I would reenact my favorites scenes from my favorite movies or shows
during recess. I would stand up and gesture like a maniac for one character and then
turn to the side and do the same for another! I clearly remember doing that for The
Rescuers Down Under, the scene where Joanna was stealing McLeach's eggs. What gave me
the audacity?? I don't remember being teased for it, but instead a few of my lil friends
and other kids would sit with me during. They weren't even "and they all laughed"
moments. The kids weren't busting a gut, just giggling sometimes. I was definitely the
one enjoying it the most, and yet I wouldn't be caught dead doing anything like that
today! It's a fond memory though, even if it makes me cringe. But it always makes me
smile and wish I could be a little more confident nowadays.
I brought it up in therapy because we were trying to pinpoint when everything started changing, which I am surprisingly (or not) super resistant about getting into. Not even on purpose, because beforehand I am all in, beam me up, let's rock n roll. She asks me a question a little too close to home and bam, fawn response. Whoda thought your parents divorcing could be so traumatic? It's so common that I feel like that part itself isn't too personal. I think a lot of us can relate more than we'd like to... but man, I guess I lost a lot of self confidence and it's been ebbing and flowing ever since. But that leads me to the false memory thing; maybe I made that up a long time ago, to cope with the divorce? It happened when I was 7, so the time makes sense. I'd rather believe I really was that silly, and I can get back to a similar state of mind.
I brought it up in therapy because we were trying to pinpoint when everything started changing, which I am surprisingly (or not) super resistant about getting into. Not even on purpose, because beforehand I am all in, beam me up, let's rock n roll. She asks me a question a little too close to home and bam, fawn response. Whoda thought your parents divorcing could be so traumatic? It's so common that I feel like that part itself isn't too personal. I think a lot of us can relate more than we'd like to... but man, I guess I lost a lot of self confidence and it's been ebbing and flowing ever since. But that leads me to the false memory thing; maybe I made that up a long time ago, to cope with the divorce? It happened when I was 7, so the time makes sense. I'd rather believe I really was that silly, and I can get back to a similar state of mind.
BUSY start to the
month
December 7th, 2025
May have bitten off more than I can chew this month, but the nice thing about it all is
it's exciting and fun and challenging in a good way! I'm working on an advent calendar
for my friend as her Christmas present. She gets a lil drawing of her vtuber each day in
a different art style; it's turning out so cute so far and I'll post it to the gallery
when it's all done! I'm also working on a Christmas/Winter themed Faba for the
homepage!! She's sooo cute so far, sporting a dutch braid and a plate of frosted sugar
cookies. I want the layout colors to be more winter and less Christmas, but Faba is red,
toned to pink for the site, so Christmas greens and reds/pinks would make the most
sense. Pale blues and pinks would also be cute but whatever happens will be good enough
for me.
I was going on a 2-day migraine, having just recovered from a 3-day migraine from last week.. it feels like every other month is worse. My hormones fluctuate a bit stronger, then are slightly mellow the next month. I should be used to this roller coaster ride by now, right? Right?? So why do I still feel upended and stunted each month? I can't even remember how I functioned when I went every 3 months. I was also on anti-depressants and some other medication, so I really can't say for certain if things were better... I think pain was more tolerable, thanks to the anti-depressant. Ah, well. The brain zaps were some of the worst symptoms and I'll be jiggered if I go back on anything that does that to me again.
I'm still working on Maeve's profile but it's taking the back burner while I finish Christmas gifts, xmas Faba, and a commission. I'd like to get Faba finished first, as selfish as that is, so she can be on the site for as long as possible! But we shall see.
I was going on a 2-day migraine, having just recovered from a 3-day migraine from last week.. it feels like every other month is worse. My hormones fluctuate a bit stronger, then are slightly mellow the next month. I should be used to this roller coaster ride by now, right? Right?? So why do I still feel upended and stunted each month? I can't even remember how I functioned when I went every 3 months. I was also on anti-depressants and some other medication, so I really can't say for certain if things were better... I think pain was more tolerable, thanks to the anti-depressant. Ah, well. The brain zaps were some of the worst symptoms and I'll be jiggered if I go back on anything that does that to me again.
I'm still working on Maeve's profile but it's taking the back burner while I finish Christmas gifts, xmas Faba, and a commission. I'd like to get Faba finished first, as selfish as that is, so she can be on the site for as long as possible! But we shall see.
Music samples and
is it cool?
November 28th, 2025
I think sampling is very cool when done legally and tastefully. That said, I found 2
songs with almost identical beats, but have been listening to these songs for years only
to just make the connection! I've been listening to Porcelain Raft's Drifitng In and
Out since 2014, and then Ruby Haunt's Sucker since 2018. Ruby Haunt
totally sampled the other song right?? It's also a song that resonated deeply with me
during a breakup. And is incredibly repetitive unlike Porcelain Raft's, but in a
soothing way. I cannot unhear the similarities now but it's still good music!!
Yes Yes Very Good
Thank You
November 26th, 2025
Yesterday was productive: good therapy session, socializing, and drawing for the
duration of Hazbin Hotel season 2 back-to-back... look, it's a great combo of music
and background noise. Do I have "when I get up there" stuck in my head now? Yep.
I feel like the way I fangirl over Hazbin is incredibly mild compared to most of the
fanbase, but I digress because I love it. My inner 14-year-old tumblr girl feels seen
and she eats that shit up. I can see all the flaws but still, it's enjoyable for me.
More cornball and cheese, please.
I was working on a new layout concept for my OC profiles. Right now I have 3 made into MySpace profiles and Maeve's is in old layout limbo. So hers is the first I'm doing! I was inspired by a few, and I'll list them later, but so far I've got 1 column next to 1 main element, then next to that, a stack of messy suitcases with Maeve leaning on them. There will be buttons on the suitcases to function as outfit changes!! I know I've seen this concept or something similar somewhere before, I just need to remember where... Anyway it's very cute and I'm making more progress than I expected and already have ideas for the other profiles!
Faba could be standing next to a giant stuffed animal with clothes draped on it like a chair. Remy is too neat for either of Faba's or Maeve's messy clothing storage. Maybe a literal dresser?? And then Danton could be next to a chair of some kind? Then for everyone else, it can wait! This will probably be the site's biggest project because each one will be slightly different. I also made border-images for Maeve's, so the others will need to be custom too. There's no rush though, just a fun project I can look forward to!
I was working on a new layout concept for my OC profiles. Right now I have 3 made into MySpace profiles and Maeve's is in old layout limbo. So hers is the first I'm doing! I was inspired by a few, and I'll list them later, but so far I've got 1 column next to 1 main element, then next to that, a stack of messy suitcases with Maeve leaning on them. There will be buttons on the suitcases to function as outfit changes!! I know I've seen this concept or something similar somewhere before, I just need to remember where... Anyway it's very cute and I'm making more progress than I expected and already have ideas for the other profiles!
Faba could be standing next to a giant stuffed animal with clothes draped on it like a chair. Remy is too neat for either of Faba's or Maeve's messy clothing storage. Maybe a literal dresser?? And then Danton could be next to a chair of some kind? Then for everyone else, it can wait! This will probably be the site's biggest project because each one will be slightly different. I also made border-images for Maeve's, so the others will need to be custom too. There's no rush though, just a fun project I can look forward to!
Moody again but
getting over it again
November 7th, 2025
I've been holed up in my own head and reflecting on a lot lately. Been feeling so lost
and unsure and depressed. Big ol' bummer to read about, I know. Mostly reflecting on
what triggers me, how to come down from that mood swing, and then pinpoint what caused
it. You'd think it's as easy as “trigger event caused by trigger” and done. But no, it's
nuanced. Loud but also quiet? What exactly happened in the moments leading up to the
discomfort and agitation?
I was able to figure it out, and for once in a long while, journaling worked. Usually I feel the same after; buzzing with undirected energy, just cycling through me, making me feel sick and disoriented. But thankfully, all the energy left through the words I wrote on the pages. While it wasn't the instantaneous shift I wanted, it was pretty quick and noticeable. That's what I needed.
To notice I was in a bad state of mind, to notice I'm coming out of it, and to be thankful I had the patience to see myself through it. I don't feel totally comfortable journaling my utmost private thoughts here (most do not, whoda thunk!), but I think it's cool to share just enough, to feel seen and be a person with their own inner workings.
Sometimes I struggle with thoughts like:
“Maybe if I'm just so, or do this like this, and that like that, I can attract the company that's right for me!”
“I'm going to put everything on the table so only the most authentic and genuine interactions will be had!”
I still struggle with understanding the duality of people, myself included, but am better about being empathetic. It can be jarring, rightfully so, to see someone you know behave as XYZ suddenly behave as ABC. Why can't we be a healthy mix of our emotions all of the time? Gee, sure, in a perfect world where none of us had trauma or we're all wanting to get the help we need... so we've learned to adapt, to wear masks, to perform. It's complicated and takes time and I wish it was all figured out for me when I was a little girl, so life now could just be... life. Living. Not surviving, like it feels like now.
Then I feel so spoiled, because I have a roof over my head, I have food in my cupboards, I have clean water... It'll sink in eventually, that I am actually living, just to the best of my abilities. And that's all any of us can do, really!
I was able to figure it out, and for once in a long while, journaling worked. Usually I feel the same after; buzzing with undirected energy, just cycling through me, making me feel sick and disoriented. But thankfully, all the energy left through the words I wrote on the pages. While it wasn't the instantaneous shift I wanted, it was pretty quick and noticeable. That's what I needed.
To notice I was in a bad state of mind, to notice I'm coming out of it, and to be thankful I had the patience to see myself through it. I don't feel totally comfortable journaling my utmost private thoughts here (most do not, whoda thunk!), but I think it's cool to share just enough, to feel seen and be a person with their own inner workings.
Sometimes I struggle with thoughts like:
“Maybe if I'm just so, or do this like this, and that like that, I can attract the company that's right for me!”
“I'm going to put everything on the table so only the most authentic and genuine interactions will be had!”
I still struggle with understanding the duality of people, myself included, but am better about being empathetic. It can be jarring, rightfully so, to see someone you know behave as XYZ suddenly behave as ABC. Why can't we be a healthy mix of our emotions all of the time? Gee, sure, in a perfect world where none of us had trauma or we're all wanting to get the help we need... so we've learned to adapt, to wear masks, to perform. It's complicated and takes time and I wish it was all figured out for me when I was a little girl, so life now could just be... life. Living. Not surviving, like it feels like now.
Then I feel so spoiled, because I have a roof over my head, I have food in my cupboards, I have clean water... It'll sink in eventually, that I am actually living, just to the best of my abilities. And that's all any of us can do, really!
Daylight No-Savings
November 2nd, 2025
I spent Halloween mostly alone, which was by choice and necessary. Too much pain to be
fun around and certainly too much to have a drink. I did watch Over The Garden Wall in
the living room with the volume higher than I usually watch it. It was like watching it
for the first time again. So... beautiful!!!
But yeah...... This'll be a hard month for a lot of people, what with EBT getting delayed from the shutdown, and honestly so much more I'm too depressed to mention. Been in a lot of physical pain, so much more chronic than usual. I found a really nice post breaking down low-intensity workouts for migraineurs, though, so that's promising to try out. Feels validating, too. I feel so lazy but I actually love dancing. I'm too shy to go out and dance anywhere public, but it used to be my way to stay in shape at home. ABBA kept me going for years. But over time, the intensity became too much and I wasn't being smart about it. So I just kinda gave it up completely, but kept up with stretching and light yoga. Even that became too much, like no matter what I couldn't break a sweat without breaking into a headache or full blown migraine.
This is basically the entire post; this gal gets right into it.
I guess I'll report back on if any of that advice worked out for me!
But yeah...... This'll be a hard month for a lot of people, what with EBT getting delayed from the shutdown, and honestly so much more I'm too depressed to mention. Been in a lot of physical pain, so much more chronic than usual. I found a really nice post breaking down low-intensity workouts for migraineurs, though, so that's promising to try out. Feels validating, too. I feel so lazy but I actually love dancing. I'm too shy to go out and dance anywhere public, but it used to be my way to stay in shape at home. ABBA kept me going for years. But over time, the intensity became too much and I wasn't being smart about it. So I just kinda gave it up completely, but kept up with stretching and light yoga. Even that became too much, like no matter what I couldn't break a sweat without breaking into a headache or full blown migraine.
This is basically the entire post; this gal gets right into it.
" 1. Workout Intensity and the “Migraine Threshold”
The biggest driver of my exercise-induced migraines is workout intensity, specifically how long my heart rate stays above what I call my migraine threshold. It’s not one hard set or a short sprint that triggers it, but sustained time spent above that threshold that matters.
I measure intensity by heart rate, and my migraine threshold typically begins when I enter Zone 4 or 5, which for me means anything above 160 bpm. Once my heart rate stays in that range for a sustained period, I know I’m in migraine territory and need to back off.
The key insight is that your migraine threshold isn’t fixed. If you haven’t been exercising regularly, your threshold drops dramatically. That was the case for me during my years out of college working in finance. Workouts that used to feel routine suddenly pushed me straight into migraine range. But if you stay consistent, start slow, and build gradually, your body adapts. Over time, your heart rate stays lower at the same workload, allowing you to train harder without crossing that line.
My advice:
Build up slowly. Do not jump right into high-intensity sessions after time off.
Monitor your heart rate closely. A Garmin or other wearable that shows real-time HR data is your best friend. Anytime you’re near or above your threshold, ease up.
2. Neck and Upper Back Tightness
The second major factor I’ve noticed is the relationship between upper back or neck tightness and migraine susceptibility. Whenever my upper back is sore, it feels like my migraine threshold is lower. It’s not uncommon for soreness or strain in my shoulders or back to set me off if I’m not careful.
The takeaway is to be conscious of this connection. Soreness or strain in your shoulders or upper back can be a trigger. Again, the key is to gradually build strength in those areas rather than going from zero to heavy weight overnight.
3. The Nervous System Connection
I’ve also spent time researching some of the science behind what I’ve described above. It turns out the autonomic nervous system plays a big role in this. When you exercise, your sympathetic nervous system (the fight-or-flight system) ramps up. Heart rate and blood pressure increase, adrenaline spikes, and your muscles tense up. In most people, this system balances out once the workout ends. But in some of us, that sympathetic surge lasts longer or rebounds too aggressively, which can help trigger a migraine.
Building aerobic fitness strengthens your parasympathetic system, which controls recovery and helps the body calm down. The more conditioned you are, the better your body can regulate that balance and avoid overshooting into migraine territory.
This concept is supported by research showing that regular aerobic exercise improves migraine outcomes. For example, a meta-analysis found that aerobic training reduced migraine days, and other studies have shown that migraine patients often exhibit autonomic dysfunction (reduced HRV) compared to healthy controls, reflecting a less balanced relationship between the sympathetic and parasympathetic systems.
In my case, this science mirrors my experience. As I became more consistent with lower-intensity, heart-rate-controlled exercise, my migraines became less frequent and less severe. My body simply became better at handling exertion.
Takeaways
If you struggle with exercise-induced migraines:
• Start slow and stay consistent.
• Track your heart rate and identify your personal migraine threshold.
• Be mindful of neck and upper back tightness."
What I’ve Learned from Years of Exercise-Induced Migraines (and What Has Worked for Me)
You'd think it's common sense to track your heart rate but there she was, and now, here
I am! I know most physicians have almost no knowledge on this, so it's really nice to
see what works for others. Whether we've thought of it, tried it, pretended something
worked, not knowing how something works, and everything in between... we get so caught
up in digging, we can forget to see what could be the most obvious solution.
The biggest driver of my exercise-induced migraines is workout intensity, specifically how long my heart rate stays above what I call my migraine threshold. It’s not one hard set or a short sprint that triggers it, but sustained time spent above that threshold that matters.
I measure intensity by heart rate, and my migraine threshold typically begins when I enter Zone 4 or 5, which for me means anything above 160 bpm. Once my heart rate stays in that range for a sustained period, I know I’m in migraine territory and need to back off.
The key insight is that your migraine threshold isn’t fixed. If you haven’t been exercising regularly, your threshold drops dramatically. That was the case for me during my years out of college working in finance. Workouts that used to feel routine suddenly pushed me straight into migraine range. But if you stay consistent, start slow, and build gradually, your body adapts. Over time, your heart rate stays lower at the same workload, allowing you to train harder without crossing that line.
My advice:
Build up slowly. Do not jump right into high-intensity sessions after time off.
Monitor your heart rate closely. A Garmin or other wearable that shows real-time HR data is your best friend. Anytime you’re near or above your threshold, ease up.
2. Neck and Upper Back Tightness
The second major factor I’ve noticed is the relationship between upper back or neck tightness and migraine susceptibility. Whenever my upper back is sore, it feels like my migraine threshold is lower. It’s not uncommon for soreness or strain in my shoulders or back to set me off if I’m not careful.
The takeaway is to be conscious of this connection. Soreness or strain in your shoulders or upper back can be a trigger. Again, the key is to gradually build strength in those areas rather than going from zero to heavy weight overnight.
3. The Nervous System Connection
I’ve also spent time researching some of the science behind what I’ve described above. It turns out the autonomic nervous system plays a big role in this. When you exercise, your sympathetic nervous system (the fight-or-flight system) ramps up. Heart rate and blood pressure increase, adrenaline spikes, and your muscles tense up. In most people, this system balances out once the workout ends. But in some of us, that sympathetic surge lasts longer or rebounds too aggressively, which can help trigger a migraine.
Building aerobic fitness strengthens your parasympathetic system, which controls recovery and helps the body calm down. The more conditioned you are, the better your body can regulate that balance and avoid overshooting into migraine territory.
This concept is supported by research showing that regular aerobic exercise improves migraine outcomes. For example, a meta-analysis found that aerobic training reduced migraine days, and other studies have shown that migraine patients often exhibit autonomic dysfunction (reduced HRV) compared to healthy controls, reflecting a less balanced relationship between the sympathetic and parasympathetic systems.
In my case, this science mirrors my experience. As I became more consistent with lower-intensity, heart-rate-controlled exercise, my migraines became less frequent and less severe. My body simply became better at handling exertion.
Takeaways
If you struggle with exercise-induced migraines:
• Start slow and stay consistent.
• Track your heart rate and identify your personal migraine threshold.
• Be mindful of neck and upper back tightness."
What I’ve Learned from Years of Exercise-Induced Migraines (and What Has Worked for Me)
I guess I'll report back on if any of that advice worked out for me!
Sour Times & Mini
Tigers
October 23rd, 2025
I was listening to Miniature Tigers and accidentally unlocked an old memory from 2015,
when I was xxxxtra naive as a 19 yr old dating a 28 yr old. I got that ex into Mini
Tigers and we loooved listening to them together. Few months go by, and lo and behold,
Mini Tigers were gonna be live in my city!! But it was a 21+ show and I didn't do
naughty things like use fake IDs. So I knew I'd be missing out. I did not, however,
expect my ex to go. Not only go without me, but brag and be super excited about it...
and then use my dorm as his crash pad after the show. Yeah, I was a fuckin' doormat. God
I get so angry thinking back on that. At myself, at him!! I didn't even catch wind of
their tour in 2020 when they were here last, a time I was still actively going to shows
too! BIG OL BUMMER. Their last album was 2 years ago and they're apparently doing stuff
behind the scenes, so I'm hopeful I will get to see them live someday! Don't even get me
started on the fact that my #1 fave band Tennis played their VERY LAST show in August at
Edgefield... I can be hopeful they'll decide to make more music and maybe tour again
someday, but damn... totally lost out!
Still Feeling Sick
& Some Therapy
October 22nd, 2025
Therapy was hard today. And I'm still sick. We got around to self-abandonment... and I
already knew deep down what I have been doing most of my life. I kinda knew deep down
that it wasn't a good thing, and that expecting it from others is equally bad. I just
haven't been able to let it wash over me before like today. I'm aware it all started in
childhood, being told I couldn't cancel plans or reschedule very much by my parents;
that it's rude and pushes people away. You know what else is rude? Letting your child
self-abandon, weekly if not daily... bad mood? Get over it. Migraine? Take pills, drink
water. Sad? Also get over it. Sick? That was basically the only time I got a free pass.
No wonder I'm so strung out over this, and while I'm sick. It's the only time I was
allowed to just exist with no expectations... I'm probably making my childhood sound way
worse than it was. It was probably average compared to most, which isn't that great if
you think too hard about it.
So I've been self-abandoning, throwing boundaries and barriers to the wayside for many years, starting friendships and relationships that way. Is it any wonder I feel resentment eventually?? And consciously, I don't want or expect anyone to behave that way, to self-abandon. Why would you do that to yourself? That's crazy! Yet here I am... feeling resentment because I am not loved the way I think I should be. It's more nuanced than that, but I really have dug myself into another hole these last few years. I just didn't have the mental health that I have now. I'm not sure I want to think too much about how things would be, had I already been in therapy for awhile... because this is how it is now. I've been learning to set boundaries and all it's done is push some people away, because they were so used to me acting one way. It's fair, but it's also not... I understand not everyone wants to, or can, reflect on themselves. I understand it's hard, I'm crying while writing this entry. Cried throughout my therapy session. Shit is so hard. You just want to love and be loved and it's hard to know when you've given too much or haven't recieved enough. But I'm getting better at understanding that, and it's painful to be in this moment, knowing I very well put myself here. Unintentionally, but still, there's really no one to blame but myself. I can only go forward with this new knowledge, and try my best to listen to myself and set boundaries before other, less desirable, patterns of behavior can set in.
No one should self-abandon. Not ever, probably not even once... it opens a door to so much pain. It can also show you who others are, and quickly! Which can protect you! I feel so naive but I guess I have to relearn how to love and be with others. It's kinda scary to be honest, like what if I never meet new friends because my boundaries are too much? But I know they aren't, I know that's my fear taking hold of me... Trusting yourself feels just as difficult as trusting another person. But it does get better, if you're open to change and moving forward. Just takes time.
So I've been self-abandoning, throwing boundaries and barriers to the wayside for many years, starting friendships and relationships that way. Is it any wonder I feel resentment eventually?? And consciously, I don't want or expect anyone to behave that way, to self-abandon. Why would you do that to yourself? That's crazy! Yet here I am... feeling resentment because I am not loved the way I think I should be. It's more nuanced than that, but I really have dug myself into another hole these last few years. I just didn't have the mental health that I have now. I'm not sure I want to think too much about how things would be, had I already been in therapy for awhile... because this is how it is now. I've been learning to set boundaries and all it's done is push some people away, because they were so used to me acting one way. It's fair, but it's also not... I understand not everyone wants to, or can, reflect on themselves. I understand it's hard, I'm crying while writing this entry. Cried throughout my therapy session. Shit is so hard. You just want to love and be loved and it's hard to know when you've given too much or haven't recieved enough. But I'm getting better at understanding that, and it's painful to be in this moment, knowing I very well put myself here. Unintentionally, but still, there's really no one to blame but myself. I can only go forward with this new knowledge, and try my best to listen to myself and set boundaries before other, less desirable, patterns of behavior can set in.
No one should self-abandon. Not ever, probably not even once... it opens a door to so much pain. It can also show you who others are, and quickly! Which can protect you! I feel so naive but I guess I have to relearn how to love and be with others. It's kinda scary to be honest, like what if I never meet new friends because my boundaries are too much? But I know they aren't, I know that's my fear taking hold of me... Trusting yourself feels just as difficult as trusting another person. But it does get better, if you're open to change and moving forward. Just takes time.
I am sickOctober 17th, 2025
Hello I am sick. The coughing fits are really bad this time. i dont get sick often so
when i do i become irrationally upset but also very chill cause im so low energy.
mentally and physically feeling hot and cold, it totally sucks.
so im trying to stay up while my food digests, watch a lil somethin. Funkyfrogbait just posted a video about the performative male, or SOFT BOYS as we used to call them. performative male sounds so much more sinister, whereas soft boy sounds like a weasel. i preferred it the old way, when it was less in my face and villianous sounding. also anytime i watch these types of videos i feel BLESSED that i dont use tiktok. i was addicted to Vine in 2014 so i got off that train at just the right time. hearing soft boy made me think of the song Kill Your Local Indie Soft Boy by ISADORA that came out in 2020, such a good song and the same genre of music that soft boys "pretend" to like. some of them really do like that soft indie pop, shoot... my favorite part is "put your keys in your fuckin pocket, take them off of your jean loop, your belt loop, whatever" it just cracks me up. i've known guys like this, friends of ex's. patronozing as shit when they start talking to you like you don't know anything! can't we just talk like normal people? can't we just like the things we like and move along? i mean to an extent, you catch my drift.
so im trying to stay up while my food digests, watch a lil somethin. Funkyfrogbait just posted a video about the performative male, or SOFT BOYS as we used to call them. performative male sounds so much more sinister, whereas soft boy sounds like a weasel. i preferred it the old way, when it was less in my face and villianous sounding. also anytime i watch these types of videos i feel BLESSED that i dont use tiktok. i was addicted to Vine in 2014 so i got off that train at just the right time. hearing soft boy made me think of the song Kill Your Local Indie Soft Boy by ISADORA that came out in 2020, such a good song and the same genre of music that soft boys "pretend" to like. some of them really do like that soft indie pop, shoot... my favorite part is "put your keys in your fuckin pocket, take them off of your jean loop, your belt loop, whatever" it just cracks me up. i've known guys like this, friends of ex's. patronozing as shit when they start talking to you like you don't know anything! can't we just talk like normal people? can't we just like the things we like and move along? i mean to an extent, you catch my drift.
Not a great day but not the worst eitherOctober 14th, 2025
Ah man I had this whole angsty entry written about how I had a bad time with a doctor
appointment today. Instead I'll say I am frustrated yo!! Got a lil bit of everyone to
blame, seriously; the doctors, the nurses, the computer system, and me too probably,
however I don't know what I did that made things so dang complicated...
Now I'm just half-watching some Little Nightmares 3 gameplay (it's alright, looks awesome) and trying to relax from earlier. I got some commissions I've been working on but to be honest it's been kinda hard to do "good" work on them, like I forgot how to draw or somethin. I'll try again later, but I also need to start trimming one of the ladies today, too. I might have to just pick one and do the other tomorrow, you know how that goes.
Now I'm just half-watching some Little Nightmares 3 gameplay (it's alright, looks awesome) and trying to relax from earlier. I got some commissions I've been working on but to be honest it's been kinda hard to do "good" work on them, like I forgot how to draw or somethin. I'll try again later, but I also need to start trimming one of the ladies today, too. I might have to just pick one and do the other tomorrow, you know how that goes.
We're all gonna burn!October 8th, 2025
You guys!! Portland is on fire!! It's a hellscape, haven't you been watching Fox News?!
Oh, you've been watching other news channels and getting your info from multiple
sources? Right, cool...
What is with this narrative being pushed?? A few angry rioters joined the peaceful protesters, happens all the time. It doesn't mean we're deranged animals. Yet, being called that, makes me want to show them what a deranged animal really acts like... but we can't do that!! We absolutely cannot give in. And then I see other sentiments that when the time comes, when not if... that we will have to fight back with physical force. Some people think if all of the people rallied and swarmed the feds, they'd be done for. It's true. But that won't happen... too much bystander effect, not enough tragedies on home soil... it's so bleak and it's not even that bleak. It could be so much worse.
So I just want to focus on some good things. Ate yummy food today. Therapy was progressive today. It's warm and mostly sunny today. Today things are okay. I get so stuck in my head about the future, but the best thing I can do for myself is to focus on one day at a time. I can already feel the weight of a headache, definitely in my prodrome, just waiting for the bomb to drop so I can take care of myself. All you migraineurs out there; don't do what I do! Take your meds when you should! The only meds that work on me are Excedrin and some out-of-my-price-range pharmaceuticals. Taking Excedrin everyday for years will eventually erode away your stomach lining and destroy your liver. Sorry for being graphic, I just do not want anyone to take up my habits.
What is with this narrative being pushed?? A few angry rioters joined the peaceful protesters, happens all the time. It doesn't mean we're deranged animals. Yet, being called that, makes me want to show them what a deranged animal really acts like... but we can't do that!! We absolutely cannot give in. And then I see other sentiments that when the time comes, when not if... that we will have to fight back with physical force. Some people think if all of the people rallied and swarmed the feds, they'd be done for. It's true. But that won't happen... too much bystander effect, not enough tragedies on home soil... it's so bleak and it's not even that bleak. It could be so much worse.
So I just want to focus on some good things. Ate yummy food today. Therapy was progressive today. It's warm and mostly sunny today. Today things are okay. I get so stuck in my head about the future, but the best thing I can do for myself is to focus on one day at a time. I can already feel the weight of a headache, definitely in my prodrome, just waiting for the bomb to drop so I can take care of myself. All you migraineurs out there; don't do what I do! Take your meds when you should! The only meds that work on me are Excedrin and some out-of-my-price-range pharmaceuticals. Taking Excedrin everyday for years will eventually erode away your stomach lining and destroy your liver. Sorry for being graphic, I just do not want anyone to take up my habits.
I
need to restSeptember 25th, 2025
My migraine finally broke around 5am, but I was in this weird state of sleep-deprived
and adrenaline rush from the pain subsiding. I just laid there for hours and hours.
Finally slept for maybe 3 hours, had therapy, then slept for another 7 hours. I guess I
needed it! Hurting is exhausting ya'll! I need to take space and my taking space affects
some people in my life. It feels unfair, but I just don't know what to do... I can only
take care of myself first, and if that pushes others away, I should reconsider that
relationship... it's always more nuanced than that, nothing is that simple. It's been a
tug-o-war in therapy, cause I'm not good at finding middle ground with my feelings. I'm
trying so hard to find balance, but it's hard, especially after forming friendships.
I'm fairly high energy when I'm feeling good, which isn't super often these days, but the rest of the time I can retreat into myself and seem disinterested. I'm sure I give some people whiplash, but I definitely don't mean to. It's something I'll have to work on for awhile still, which is frustrating. All in good time.
I'm fairly high energy when I'm feeling good, which isn't super often these days, but the rest of the time I can retreat into myself and seem disinterested. I'm sure I give some people whiplash, but I definitely don't mean to. It's something I'll have to work on for awhile still, which is frustrating. All in good time.
MoodySeptember 24th, 2025
PMDD strikes back twice as hard this month. I've had a migraine for 3 days straight now.
Been working on a webring for artists for a few days now. The page is done, might rework
the code with someone else, got several graphics sketched out. Feeling like everything
is taking way longer than normal though. But thankfully time feels like it's moving fast
too? Nothing worse than being in pain and the days drag on. Also worrisome the days have
dragged on. Oh well. Sometimes I get this existential dread, like primal fear, that I'll
die soon, from the medication abuse. I don't think I actually will, it's not as bad as
it could be. The fear-mongering is anxiety inducing. I'm just in a lot of pain, can't
even imagine how others can properly function at this level of it. Sending love to all
you in-chronic-painers.
Just nice to be hereSeptember 20th, 2025
Since making a Neocities, I try to peruse mutuals as often as I can, while also
stumbling across sites new to me. It's been a mix of self-love and self-loathing,
however, I'm drawn to the journals of both types of people. I can't always handle the
darker ones, but I really appreicate how raw and honest they are. Then I can level out
with the endearing journals that go on about their nice day.
In either case, the same few feelings are there. There's either a longing, push-and-pull desire for friendship or some kind of love and acceptance. There's also this lovely, somewhat freeing sense, when posting to the void. None of it needs a response, but some may want one. Expecting no answer to anyone but yourself is, in a sense, a form of self-love.
We like what we like, find no shame in it, and we find comfort in our own company. This space is definitely a place to make connections, but it's nice that it can also be a place to just exist and enjoy the scenery.
In either case, the same few feelings are there. There's either a longing, push-and-pull desire for friendship or some kind of love and acceptance. There's also this lovely, somewhat freeing sense, when posting to the void. None of it needs a response, but some may want one. Expecting no answer to anyone but yourself is, in a sense, a form of self-love.
We like what we like, find no shame in it, and we find comfort in our own company. This space is definitely a place to make connections, but it's nice that it can also be a place to just exist and enjoy the scenery.
Trying to be positive & some game mod recsSeptember 19th, 2025
My last several entries have been p negative, and I want to change that a bit. I don't
like having to search for the positive, since that can make me feel like there isn't
enough. But we do naturally focus on the bad, so here's some good things that have
happened recently.
I made another yummy pasta salad. I've found a good mix with 1 box of mini bow tie pasta, 1 orange bell pepper, 3 cups frozen peas, 1 cup red onion, several cloves of garlic, some kind of italian cheese (romano was the best so far), 1ish cup italian dressing, 2ish cups mayo, and salt and pepper to taste.
I picked up Stardew again and it's been fun, whoda thunk it? I have too many mods, but my favorites are the added produce and ingredients, so I can bake and do other fun stuff rather than just turn produce into wine/juice/jam/pickles.
Here's some really good ones:
Wildflour's Atelier
Goods
Cornucopia - More
Crops
Cornucopia - Artisan
Machines
HxW Bakery and Cafe
Furniture
Chest Deco
Iridium Recolors
I've noticed my migraines are lessening in intensity, which is very encouraging!!
Got surprised with pizza tonight woo!! Maybe not gonna be the best for my head but yknow what, it's a special treat I don't have often.
I made another yummy pasta salad. I've found a good mix with 1 box of mini bow tie pasta, 1 orange bell pepper, 3 cups frozen peas, 1 cup red onion, several cloves of garlic, some kind of italian cheese (romano was the best so far), 1ish cup italian dressing, 2ish cups mayo, and salt and pepper to taste.
I picked up Stardew again and it's been fun, whoda thunk it? I have too many mods, but my favorites are the added produce and ingredients, so I can bake and do other fun stuff rather than just turn produce into wine/juice/jam/pickles.
Here's some really good ones:
Wildflour's Atelier
Goods
Cornucopia - More
Crops
Cornucopia - Artisan
Machines
HxW Bakery and Cafe
Furniture
Chest Deco
Iridium Recolors
I've noticed my migraines are lessening in intensity, which is very encouraging!!
Got surprised with pizza tonight woo!! Maybe not gonna be the best for my head but yknow what, it's a special treat I don't have often.
FiresSeptember 18th, 2025
As odd and terrible as it sounds, I'm surprised it took this long for the forest fires
smoke to reach us here in the valley. I'm not positive but I'm guessing it's from the
Bear Gulch fire in Washington since the winds are from the northwest, but it could be
from the Emigrant fire in southern Oregon as well. There are a ton of wildfires going
on, as per usual every summer in the PNW. So many beautiful camping spots, hiking
trails, and home to wildlife are just... burnt to a crisp. Nature will always find a way
to come back, and the soot is great at feeding the soil. But boy does it take a long
time to heal. It takes its toll on you mentally, to keep seeing the charred landscape
that used to be lush and green. I would daydream about fairies playing in the deepest
woods, peeking at me from behind moss-riddled trees. It's sad to think now, even though
it's fantasy, that those fairies and other fae creatures lost their home, too. At least
there is a silver lining. Watching the slow growth can be encouraging to cherish what we
have, to look back on memories fondly, to know that someday the forest will grow back.
Also, last night I scratched my skin to oblivion while watching VangelinaSkov talk about this author drama on tiktok. Can't even be arsed to remember her name, even though she introduced herself in each video that was shown... The tea was so room temp, but blown so out of proportion, I just sat there absent-mindedly scratching from the absurdity of the situation. Something all artists have to deal with is the existential dread on whether their art is good enough to share. Thankfully, most of us bite the bullet and put it out there! We fail, we succeed, and the cycle continues. But some people....... Some people don't think they're good, they know they're good. And they usually aren't actually good, like at all. Thus was the case with this author, who hammed herself up for almost half a year, never releasing tidbits of the book, other than regurgitating lore that was half-assed at best. I sorta feel bad for feeling judgemental about this person. But holy shit, the audacity? Neurodivergence be damned, because that was part of her excuse for the poor release, but plenty of people in my life are autistic and would never have the gall to kiss their own ass, let alone repeatedly. There's a keen difference between being confident and..... being a narcissist. What a bummer.
Also, last night I scratched my skin to oblivion while watching VangelinaSkov talk about this author drama on tiktok. Can't even be arsed to remember her name, even though she introduced herself in each video that was shown... The tea was so room temp, but blown so out of proportion, I just sat there absent-mindedly scratching from the absurdity of the situation. Something all artists have to deal with is the existential dread on whether their art is good enough to share. Thankfully, most of us bite the bullet and put it out there! We fail, we succeed, and the cycle continues. But some people....... Some people don't think they're good, they know they're good. And they usually aren't actually good, like at all. Thus was the case with this author, who hammed herself up for almost half a year, never releasing tidbits of the book, other than regurgitating lore that was half-assed at best. I sorta feel bad for feeling judgemental about this person. But holy shit, the audacity? Neurodivergence be damned, because that was part of her excuse for the poor release, but plenty of people in my life are autistic and would never have the gall to kiss their own ass, let alone repeatedly. There's a keen difference between being confident and..... being a narcissist. What a bummer.
Rough morningSeptember 14th, 2025
This morning was rough ya'll! And completely my own fault wow!! I have grown special
plants in my backyard every year since it was legalized. Just three to four ladies to
help me manage my pain. Usually I'm better at checking the weather or waking up to the
sound of rain... Not today, man... I thought I was doomed in terms of a full harvest. I
really need this stuff to manage my pain since pharmaceuticals don't help, and what does
isn't covered by my insurance.
It feels like they're drying out though! Thank goodness the trichomes make them fairly water resistant, but I'm not kidding when I say they were soaked this morning. Nine hours later with four fans and a heater, they seem fine. I could cry from joy if I wasn't so tired from falling apart earlier.
It feels like they're drying out though! Thank goodness the trichomes make them fairly water resistant, but I'm not kidding when I say they were soaked this morning. Nine hours later with four fans and a heater, they seem fine. I could cry from joy if I wasn't so tired from falling apart earlier.
Bad day for so many reasonsSeptember 11th, 2025
Today was supposed to be a second Memorial day. I told myself I wouldn't focus on all
that happened yesterday, the last week, y'know, globally, locally; things are not good
at the moment. I knew I would get stressed out by talking to my brother about yesterday
again. I told myself not to do it. Don't be tempted to argue. Don't force yourself to
feel discouraged... but I did it anyway. Trying so desperately to understand him lately,
why he feels so much hate, why why why why... we're raised by the same people, how did
this happen? Maybe working in retail for almost fifteen years, like he said, really did
do a number on him. I love him and hope he feels differently someday, but I think for my
own health, I can't have any sort of meaningful conversation with him. It always turns
sour. Always ends with me feeling betrayed, triggered in some way.
A few minutes into the conversation, I felt weak. Like that weakness you get, deep in your bones, right before a cold or the flu? Turns out that's my immune system going haywire, fully believing there's a virus or infection inside of me. Stress was so tangible in me, my body registered it as a threat. You've got to be kidding me? I've reacted to stress like this a handful of times but never connected the dots. I still feel awful, probably cause my body is still feeling unsafe. I don't feel good mentally, so there it is. I guess I won't feel normal again until I've calmed down a bit, but y'know how being sick is. Any more calm and I'd be dead! I dunno how to convince my body there's no bear in the room, that there's no virus coarsing through me. I am okay. I am safe. I know this.
This is something I still struggle with deeply in therapy. While I've improved soo much, I still can't manage my stress. All I'm equipped with is avoidance. I have other tools, but... It's the only thing that works for me, and it's so frustrating, cause I want to be social.
One thing that I keep cycling back to is that I'm, apparently, drawn to people who remind me of my childhood trauma. I absolutely loathe this theory, because it is probably totally true. Apparently, I'm subconsciously trying to get a different outcome. Very desperately. To the point where I will hang on for years, hoping for that outcome to be different. It's exhausting, and I don't even know I'm doing it. Any time my therapist brings that up, I shut down or cry. At this point, I do just want to accept it. I am doing this thing that's hurting me, to make the pain go away. But rather than distract with self-harm, I know what it's like to be lavished in love and attention. Having experienced it and loved being loved, I want and need more. I know it is out there. I don't want to hide from the world or disappear completely... I want to feel that warmth again. And I always do find it, whether it's fleeting or lasts for awhile. It always ends up being conditional, though. Transactional. I can give and give so much attention and affection, but if I don't get even a fraction in return, I will withdraw. And by withdrawing, the other party sees no use in loving me as much as before. I'm not sure what the logic is... they've all been narcissists, so there's my answer. I'm just deeply unsatisfied with it. I'm unsettled by the fact I am drawn to narcissists, because surprise, surprise, I don't know they are at first. The hints are all there though, it's just, by the time I meet someone new, friend or lover, I'm starving for love. I will brush so many red flags under the rug just to get a morsel.
Can anyone relate? If so, you are worthy and deserving of unconditional love. I hope I find it someday, and I hope you do, too. Take care.
A few minutes into the conversation, I felt weak. Like that weakness you get, deep in your bones, right before a cold or the flu? Turns out that's my immune system going haywire, fully believing there's a virus or infection inside of me. Stress was so tangible in me, my body registered it as a threat. You've got to be kidding me? I've reacted to stress like this a handful of times but never connected the dots. I still feel awful, probably cause my body is still feeling unsafe. I don't feel good mentally, so there it is. I guess I won't feel normal again until I've calmed down a bit, but y'know how being sick is. Any more calm and I'd be dead! I dunno how to convince my body there's no bear in the room, that there's no virus coarsing through me. I am okay. I am safe. I know this.
This is something I still struggle with deeply in therapy. While I've improved soo much, I still can't manage my stress. All I'm equipped with is avoidance. I have other tools, but... It's the only thing that works for me, and it's so frustrating, cause I want to be social.
One thing that I keep cycling back to is that I'm, apparently, drawn to people who remind me of my childhood trauma. I absolutely loathe this theory, because it is probably totally true. Apparently, I'm subconsciously trying to get a different outcome. Very desperately. To the point where I will hang on for years, hoping for that outcome to be different. It's exhausting, and I don't even know I'm doing it. Any time my therapist brings that up, I shut down or cry. At this point, I do just want to accept it. I am doing this thing that's hurting me, to make the pain go away. But rather than distract with self-harm, I know what it's like to be lavished in love and attention. Having experienced it and loved being loved, I want and need more. I know it is out there. I don't want to hide from the world or disappear completely... I want to feel that warmth again. And I always do find it, whether it's fleeting or lasts for awhile. It always ends up being conditional, though. Transactional. I can give and give so much attention and affection, but if I don't get even a fraction in return, I will withdraw. And by withdrawing, the other party sees no use in loving me as much as before. I'm not sure what the logic is... they've all been narcissists, so there's my answer. I'm just deeply unsatisfied with it. I'm unsettled by the fact I am drawn to narcissists, because surprise, surprise, I don't know they are at first. The hints are all there though, it's just, by the time I meet someone new, friend or lover, I'm starving for love. I will brush so many red flags under the rug just to get a morsel.
Can anyone relate? If so, you are worthy and deserving of unconditional love. I hope I find it someday, and I hope you do, too. Take care.
Wanting to do thingsSeptember 10th, 2025
I reeeally want to make an artist webring. Neocreatives hasn't been updated since April,
my application and about 130 others have just been chillin since June... I did some
looking around in the ring, and it made me want to be somewhat exclusive...? I truly
would want it to be inclusive, but there are some opinions held by some artists in the
Neocreatives webring that I am honestly appalled by. I would want the webring to attract
creatively experiemental artists, artists set in their ways, hobbyists, professionals,
whoever is interested... but I would thoroughly check over sites before approving them
just because they have art. Personally, I don't want any self-proclaimed misandrists or
misogynists in the ring. I feel like that's as exclusive as I want to be. Everyone's
entitled to their opinions, free speech and all that jazz, but I can't let myself be
knowingly associated with those beliefs and morals. I guess that defeats my
statement if Neocreatives does get around to approving me? I honestly didn't realize how
some people were until looking around after applying.
Anyway, nothing is set in stone. I don't even have graphics made for the webring, or even know what I would want to call it. I considered making two; one for digital and one for traditional artists. I thought about making it based on certain styles, but that doesn't feel right either. In the end I think it will just be another artist webring, but without the "hidden hate"... and yet, the more I think about it, the more I realize people's opinions change, some haven't stated theirs openly yet, etc. Do I really want to police hateful behavior? Or do I just want to keep this space as safe for me as possible? Just throwing this all out into the cosmic void that is currently my neocities journal.
Anyway, nothing is set in stone. I don't even have graphics made for the webring, or even know what I would want to call it. I considered making two; one for digital and one for traditional artists. I thought about making it based on certain styles, but that doesn't feel right either. In the end I think it will just be another artist webring, but without the "hidden hate"... and yet, the more I think about it, the more I realize people's opinions change, some haven't stated theirs openly yet, etc. Do I really want to police hateful behavior? Or do I just want to keep this space as safe for me as possible? Just throwing this all out into the cosmic void that is currently my neocities journal.
TangentsJuly 24th, 2025
I feel like I have to censor what I say a bit here, not because it's inappropriate, but
because I'm not sure just how much I want to be out there in the open. It seems like
there's some moral conflicts going on in my life right now. It's stressful enough that
it's been hard to catch any lengthy break from the pain for days now. I'm allotted a few
hours a day of peace and pain-free, only for it to slowly creep back into my bones until
I can hardly function.
The way I've been feeling for the last year or two is usually how I feel when a romantic relationship has run its course. Things are becoming difficult to manage and tolerate. Excusing certain behaviors and logic have started to make me bitter. I am exceptionally bitter about everything the week or two leading into my period. And that is precisely where I'm at.
But! I saw a somewhat revolutionary comment by a woman with PMDD, who came to the conclusion that everything she feels is real and happening around her; it's just heightened around her period. One woman responded, "if I believed in that, I would kill myself". I couldn't believe what I was reading, and had to do a quadruple take. It didn't make sense. One woman had found her voice and accepted it!! And one woman saw that as a detriment, if she were to do the same. Accepting that the world around her is chaotic and that she has a valid reason to be the way she is, was enough to make her want to die. It's easier to believe we're "crazy" and "too much", feel sorry for ourselves, and do it all again the next day. Rather than accept no one is normal, most things are common, and the world is hard to change. The concept of accepting yourself and that you are sometimes powerless to your environment, is too much for some of us to bear.
Some of us might think, what good would that do? I'll be in even more pain and suffering if I accept that the world as a whole will never understand me. I don't think that's totally true, though, but we need to be at a certain place in our journey to be able to digest that properly. Most of us are comfortable in our bubble; it's safe, we're less likely to be triggered, our health is manageable, etc. But we're stagnant in our bubbles. We need to expose ourselves a little bit, let others in a little bit, see the world, just a little bit. It doesn't have to require a plane ticket or involve long-winded travel. We just need to keep an open mind.
I'm not totally sure why I got on that tangent. Period brain noticing one topic and honing in on it, I guess? I started out with feeling conflicted, I think? That's ironic, but really, I just feel extra around this time. None of it is fake, and I wouldn't even call it dramatic or exaggerated. It feels... too real to be that. And I'm hoping we can all come to terms with that; we're not crazy for having "too many" emotional days or not being able to cope with life quickly.
Throwing this in later, but did anyone play newgrounds dress up games, specifically when they were younger and shouldn't? Yeah that was me, too. So I was watching a show (SATC Season 2 ep 9 to be exact) and this song comes on that has been plaguing my brain for almost two decades!! St James by Snakefarm (the song) sounds uncannily like the theme song for that Ganguro girl dating game from newgrounds. UN. CANNY. There must be a name for that genre? I can't figure it out! But now I'm wondering if there was another dress-up game that featured that aformentioned song..
St James is not in the game I'm thinking, but the game Miss Dynamite has a similar song with that similar funky beat!! What a weird trip down memory lane.
What got me on this kick for groovy beats from the early-mid 00s? Trying to hunt down the elusive Anime Sweetheart album by Munk. It is NOWHERE online to listen to! If you've got a source, please share! Knucklebones was my favorite. Kick In Th Butt Feel was also very fun.
The way I've been feeling for the last year or two is usually how I feel when a romantic relationship has run its course. Things are becoming difficult to manage and tolerate. Excusing certain behaviors and logic have started to make me bitter. I am exceptionally bitter about everything the week or two leading into my period. And that is precisely where I'm at.
But! I saw a somewhat revolutionary comment by a woman with PMDD, who came to the conclusion that everything she feels is real and happening around her; it's just heightened around her period. One woman responded, "if I believed in that, I would kill myself". I couldn't believe what I was reading, and had to do a quadruple take. It didn't make sense. One woman had found her voice and accepted it!! And one woman saw that as a detriment, if she were to do the same. Accepting that the world around her is chaotic and that she has a valid reason to be the way she is, was enough to make her want to die. It's easier to believe we're "crazy" and "too much", feel sorry for ourselves, and do it all again the next day. Rather than accept no one is normal, most things are common, and the world is hard to change. The concept of accepting yourself and that you are sometimes powerless to your environment, is too much for some of us to bear.
Some of us might think, what good would that do? I'll be in even more pain and suffering if I accept that the world as a whole will never understand me. I don't think that's totally true, though, but we need to be at a certain place in our journey to be able to digest that properly. Most of us are comfortable in our bubble; it's safe, we're less likely to be triggered, our health is manageable, etc. But we're stagnant in our bubbles. We need to expose ourselves a little bit, let others in a little bit, see the world, just a little bit. It doesn't have to require a plane ticket or involve long-winded travel. We just need to keep an open mind.
I'm not totally sure why I got on that tangent. Period brain noticing one topic and honing in on it, I guess? I started out with feeling conflicted, I think? That's ironic, but really, I just feel extra around this time. None of it is fake, and I wouldn't even call it dramatic or exaggerated. It feels... too real to be that. And I'm hoping we can all come to terms with that; we're not crazy for having "too many" emotional days or not being able to cope with life quickly.
Throwing this in later, but did anyone play newgrounds dress up games, specifically when they were younger and shouldn't? Yeah that was me, too. So I was watching a show (SATC Season 2 ep 9 to be exact) and this song comes on that has been plaguing my brain for almost two decades!! St James by Snakefarm (the song) sounds uncannily like the theme song for that Ganguro girl dating game from newgrounds. UN. CANNY. There must be a name for that genre? I can't figure it out! But now I'm wondering if there was another dress-up game that featured that aformentioned song..
St James is not in the game I'm thinking, but the game Miss Dynamite has a similar song with that similar funky beat!! What a weird trip down memory lane.
What got me on this kick for groovy beats from the early-mid 00s? Trying to hunt down the elusive Anime Sweetheart album by Munk. It is NOWHERE online to listen to! If you've got a source, please share! Knucklebones was my favorite. Kick In Th Butt Feel was also very fun.
The Ting TingsJuly 4th, 2025
When I was 15 I was in love with The Ting Tings. I didn't care if they were cliche or a
radio-hit band. I also loved and still love Fleetwood Mac. So you can imagine my inner
fangirl melting away when I found out The Ting Tings rebranded their sound to be
blues/rock as similar as Fleetwood... IT'S SO GOOD GO LISTEN!
Impulsive thoughtsJuly 1st, 2025
I have a lot of impulsive thoughts; none of em' are nice. They aren't kind towards
others and definitely not to myself... I've talked to my therapist, and before that took
to the internet. It's pretty common apparently? But no matter who I share with,
neurodivergent or neurotypical, most people are kinda weirded out. Like I can't hold
knives without imagining stabbing myself, usually in the eye, other times my guts. So
washing dishes is kinda nerve wracking.
I'm used to it now but really, how do you completely get used to those visuals? I've been in therapy for 3 years now and it's great but.. not all things can be fixed so easily. I also get verbally violent in my head towards others and inanimate objects.. it's super embarrassing. I talk about it. But still.. that wild rage when some small thing doesn't work out? Not even not work out, but something as lame as Neocities not refreshing my old site files for too long makes me feel irate. Overly dramatic thoughts like wanting to drag an individual for nothing they have control over. It's CRAAAZZYYY.
But I don't do that, cause that's not what I really want to do. It's always trauma, something is always a trigger... it's so exhausting. It's less exhausting than damage control but, yeah.. I feel like a bad person for all these wild thoughts. I guess as long as I can and want to control them to the best of my ability, I'm not bad? Just a person.
I'm used to it now but really, how do you completely get used to those visuals? I've been in therapy for 3 years now and it's great but.. not all things can be fixed so easily. I also get verbally violent in my head towards others and inanimate objects.. it's super embarrassing. I talk about it. But still.. that wild rage when some small thing doesn't work out? Not even not work out, but something as lame as Neocities not refreshing my old site files for too long makes me feel irate. Overly dramatic thoughts like wanting to drag an individual for nothing they have control over. It's CRAAAZZYYY.
But I don't do that, cause that's not what I really want to do. It's always trauma, something is always a trigger... it's so exhausting. It's less exhausting than damage control but, yeah.. I feel like a bad person for all these wild thoughts. I guess as long as I can and want to control them to the best of my ability, I'm not bad? Just a person.
Hot days and the impending menopauseJune 17th, 2025
It's another hot day. This year has been weird, or at least my body has been weird about
the heat. Normally I sweat easily, but not this year. I'm wondering if it has anything
to do with being completely off prescribed meds and birth control? But last summer I
felt the heat for sure! I don't know. I'm getting older, that could also be it.
So now instead of getting sweaty, I get warmer and warmer and feel super tired and migrainey until I'm in a full-blown migraine attack. I'm right at the cusp of that right now, but instead of taking some OTC meds and water and sitting up in the dark, I'm here. Tippy-tappying away cause I really love this site I've made. I don't want it to fall to the wayside cause of my health. So with that... I should really go take care of myself!
So now instead of getting sweaty, I get warmer and warmer and feel super tired and migrainey until I'm in a full-blown migraine attack. I'm right at the cusp of that right now, but instead of taking some OTC meds and water and sitting up in the dark, I'm here. Tippy-tappying away cause I really love this site I've made. I don't want it to fall to the wayside cause of my health. So with that... I should really go take care of myself!
Brain fogJune 7th, 2025
I've been in a fog all day. Went to bed too late because I couldn't decide if I needed
meds or sleep. Turns out I did just need sleep, but then today.. it's definitely a
migraine, I'm just so used to "fighting them off" on my own, whether that's ignoring the
pain as much as I can or.. that's about it. Could also be the heat, it's like 80°F in my
house, the same outside. It's "peak hours" right now though, so to save money I should
wait another 2 hours before turning the air on. The fans are alright, but it's stagnant
heat, so it's just blowing hot air around. Ugh.
I was writing notes on my whiteboard and with each new line of writing my letters would change quite a bit. Not the usual change but the kind that makes you think different people wrote it, or the same person wrote it at different times of the day. But nope, back to back, and my handwriting looks like I stroked out a bit. I haven't added my health problems to my about me page... probably cause I don't want to glorify them or make people pity me. I don't know really, I just don't want my chronic pain and illnesses to make me who I am, although they sure do influence me a lot!!
Horns on almost all my female characters for example. I explored why I do that a few years ago, and yeah, just makes sense I would be drawn to focus on the head of my subjects, to add horns and other things that symbolize pain. For one art project, I drew a girl's head with a crack running across it, and plant life was growing out of the crack. But the girl was crying, even though something beautiful came out of her. I feel that way about myself and my art all the time, but maybe in a less "my art is so pretty" and more "I'm proud of myself for making this". I'm surprised I've been able to type all this.
I think it's time to rest in a dark room for awhile. Take care of yourselves, everyone, and stay hydrated on hot days!
I was writing notes on my whiteboard and with each new line of writing my letters would change quite a bit. Not the usual change but the kind that makes you think different people wrote it, or the same person wrote it at different times of the day. But nope, back to back, and my handwriting looks like I stroked out a bit. I haven't added my health problems to my about me page... probably cause I don't want to glorify them or make people pity me. I don't know really, I just don't want my chronic pain and illnesses to make me who I am, although they sure do influence me a lot!!
Horns on almost all my female characters for example. I explored why I do that a few years ago, and yeah, just makes sense I would be drawn to focus on the head of my subjects, to add horns and other things that symbolize pain. For one art project, I drew a girl's head with a crack running across it, and plant life was growing out of the crack. But the girl was crying, even though something beautiful came out of her. I feel that way about myself and my art all the time, but maybe in a less "my art is so pretty" and more "I'm proud of myself for making this". I'm surprised I've been able to type all this.
I think it's time to rest in a dark room for awhile. Take care of yourselves, everyone, and stay hydrated on hot days!
Remember all those good times? Yeah, me tooJune 6th, 2025
I wanted to write more yesterday but ended up being busy with friends, which was nice.
Anyone remember Flashbunny? Then it was rebranded to Hulabunny? Then Anand Duncan
totally revamped the site again, removing tons of amazing art, games, and
videos!! I was feeling super nostalgic the last month and went on a search for old sites
I used to play on.
Flashbunny was one of my faves. Hulabunny is still up but has less than half of the content. I was wondering if working for Cartoon Network had anything to do with rights to her previous work?? I couldn't find anything about why she took so much stuff down. Then again, sometimes that's what artists do! We don't always like our old stuff.
There was also a forum site for Hulabunny, you could make a cute bunny avatar and dress them up! I can't remember why it didn't take off.. maybe it did, and I forgot. Maybe it just died out with so many other forum sites. Speaking of... Freewebs anyone??? Inuyasha Journey? Creating your own forum just about you (and usually just for your eyes too cause you were either too shy to share it or no one wanted to join...).
After school in like 2006, I would come home from school, make 2 packs of easy mac in a glass bread pan, load up my freewebs page, and decorate the shit out of it with Digicharat artwork. I had no idea what Anime it was at the time, but I loved the look of it, and even had a hat that one of the characters wore... Yes I did wear it to school in 7th grade. Yes I did get bullied. No I did not wear it ever again. It was actually really sad. I'm glad I can look back on it now and chuckle about it. My grandma bought me that goofy hat from an f.y.e. inside the mall. I think I got a Love Hina DVD that same trip too... my sweet, pure grandma.
Anyway, on that hunt for old sites I remembered Flashpoint! I've gone through and favorited a bunch of flash games I used to play. A bunch of Barbie and Pollypocket games, mostly dress up and scene creator stuff. Also some Bonnie Games!! I found more online but still cool. That Halloween maze game with sick music, Trick-Or-Treat Beat, from Cartoon Network!! Those silly-ass Cartoon Cartoon Summer Resort games, with the same 1-2 songs that played over and over again, but it was all worth it for those excellent sound effects and unhinged character interactions. There was also Fox Kids games, home to the infamous Toxic Torpedo, where you play as a lil shit kid under water at the pool, farting out nasty fart bubbles on other kids. Digimon Quest To Save The Net, which was so ahead of its time.
And I can't forget one of the best old school sites for kids games: Kiddonet. I had long distance friends from there just by sharing my own art and commenting on others on the drawing page of the site. It had a silly name, like The Artists Corner or something. Some reeeally talented kiddos on there back in 2005ish. I hope they all stuck with their craft or are at least doing well in life! Kiddonet eventually became GirlSense, and then that shut down around 2012 I think. I hope more kid-friendly sites are being created, because there's so much more than YouTube and everything else kids have these days.
Flashbunny was one of my faves. Hulabunny is still up but has less than half of the content. I was wondering if working for Cartoon Network had anything to do with rights to her previous work?? I couldn't find anything about why she took so much stuff down. Then again, sometimes that's what artists do! We don't always like our old stuff.
There was also a forum site for Hulabunny, you could make a cute bunny avatar and dress them up! I can't remember why it didn't take off.. maybe it did, and I forgot. Maybe it just died out with so many other forum sites. Speaking of... Freewebs anyone??? Inuyasha Journey? Creating your own forum just about you (and usually just for your eyes too cause you were either too shy to share it or no one wanted to join...).
After school in like 2006, I would come home from school, make 2 packs of easy mac in a glass bread pan, load up my freewebs page, and decorate the shit out of it with Digicharat artwork. I had no idea what Anime it was at the time, but I loved the look of it, and even had a hat that one of the characters wore... Yes I did wear it to school in 7th grade. Yes I did get bullied. No I did not wear it ever again. It was actually really sad. I'm glad I can look back on it now and chuckle about it. My grandma bought me that goofy hat from an f.y.e. inside the mall. I think I got a Love Hina DVD that same trip too... my sweet, pure grandma.
Anyway, on that hunt for old sites I remembered Flashpoint! I've gone through and favorited a bunch of flash games I used to play. A bunch of Barbie and Pollypocket games, mostly dress up and scene creator stuff. Also some Bonnie Games!! I found more online but still cool. That Halloween maze game with sick music, Trick-Or-Treat Beat, from Cartoon Network!! Those silly-ass Cartoon Cartoon Summer Resort games, with the same 1-2 songs that played over and over again, but it was all worth it for those excellent sound effects and unhinged character interactions. There was also Fox Kids games, home to the infamous Toxic Torpedo, where you play as a lil shit kid under water at the pool, farting out nasty fart bubbles on other kids. Digimon Quest To Save The Net, which was so ahead of its time.
And I can't forget one of the best old school sites for kids games: Kiddonet. I had long distance friends from there just by sharing my own art and commenting on others on the drawing page of the site. It had a silly name, like The Artists Corner or something. Some reeeally talented kiddos on there back in 2005ish. I hope they all stuck with their craft or are at least doing well in life! Kiddonet eventually became GirlSense, and then that shut down around 2012 I think. I hope more kid-friendly sites are being created, because there's so much more than YouTube and everything else kids have these days.
Hello!!June 5th, 2025
I used to be really good at journaling. Not that they looked particularly nice but I was
good about keeping track of life through journal entries. They were usually impulsive,
raw, and scatter-brained. No real structure, bullet lists, to-dos, cons/pros; nothing
like that. It was more like word vomit and a bit of visual noise. Messy, sporadic,
unfiltered. I would like some of those elements to carry over into how I journal now,
but because this is online, a lot of personality might be missing (until I'm more
comfortable with coding, for now I'm still learning the basics!) So instead of frantic
handwriting that's barely legible, it will all be legible!!
4.5.26