Home Welcome to my blog/journal/diary! Mostly incoherent ramblings.

You guys!! Portland is on fire!! It's a hellscape, haven't you been watching Fox News?! Oh, you've been watching other news channels and getting your info from multiple sources? Right, cool...
What is with this narrative being pushed?? A few angry rioters joined the peaceful protesters, happens all the time. It doesn't mean we're deranged animals. Yet, being called that, makes me want to show them what a deranged animal really acts like... but we can't do that!! We absolutely cannot give in. And then I see other sentiments that when the time comes, when not if... that we will have to fight back with physical force. Some people think if all of the people rallied and swarmed the feds, they'd be done for. It's true. But that won't happen... too much bystander effect, not enough tragedies on home soil... it's so bleak and it's not even that bleak. It could be so much worse.

So I just want to focus on some good things. Ate yummy food today. Therapy was progressive today. It's warm and mostly sunny today. Today things are okay. I get so stuck in my head about the future, but the best thing I can do for myself is to focus on one day at a time. I can already feel the weight of a headache, definitely in my prodrome, just waiting for the bomb to drop so I can take care of myself. All you migraineurs out there; don't do what I do! Take your meds when you should! The only meds that work on me are Excedrin and some out-of-my-price-range pharmaceuticals. Taking Excedrin everyday for years will eventually erode away your stomach lining and destroy your liver. Sorry for being graphic, I just do not want anyone to take up my habits.

Been feeling run-down since last week. I'll have a few bursts of a good mood or creative energy but then I feel this doom and gloom take over me. I know I'm not doing super great when I only sit and watch comfort shows, and do nothing else. I usually multi-task. I still get distracted and end up looking for something else to watch, but I feel like I'm in autopilot zombie mode. I even feel kinda rotten but that's legit health problems I need to get taken care of, and am taking care of, and speaking of which!! I had a big scare because the nurse I saw in leiu of my doctor told me I would be needing an "invasive" ultrasound. At the office, I was like "okay cool I'm an adult, I can do this." A few days later when it came time to sit down and schedule the appointment; panic attack. Haven't had one in many months. I do not miss the numbness in my face or everything else slowly going numb. I was able to walk it out and talk it out, thank god. Finally able to schedule it, and the order put in was not for an invasive ultrasound... so I will never be seeing that nurse again hahaha!!! The stress induced by her miscommunication was not fair. I am now thankful it won't be an invasive procedure.

Honestly, it triggered the memory of my first pap smear. You know, the whole ordeal would've been less traumatic if the doctor had been honest. "This will hurt, it could be quite a lot of pressure and more than just a pinch. The tool I'm using is going to be ice-cold, by the way, didn't bother to heat it up. Oh and you may have a period for the rest of the day." Yeah, did all you lovely ladies out there know, they're meant to heat those bastards up now?! YOU STILL HAVE TO ASK, AND I DID NOT KNOW. There should be a flyer that says "Ask your gyno to warm up the speculum!" Lazy stupid assholes, boasting about accesible healthcare, hardy-har-har... it'll be low cost or free, but we'll hurt ya in the process! Gotta pay to not feel the pain. Even that's a gag. So many doctors I've seen are rough and rude. So the gyno I saw actually told me, "You'll feel some pressure, maybe a pinch, and the speculum is a bit cool. You might have some light spotting after." BITCH.... YOU ARE ALSO A WOMAN.... have my back, please?? DON'T SIT THERE AND LIE THROUGH YOUR TEETH. Now I will be unprepared and open to trauma because the experience was not at all what you described. Might this, might that; have some fuckin decorum for the love of all that is healthcare. This isn't meant to scary anyone, not everyone will have a bad doctor experience, and not everyone will react as poorly to a pap. I bled, like a full-blown period, with debilitating cramps, the rest of the day. I also had to limp the rest of the day cause putting pressure on certain areas was a no-go. I may have reacted the way I did because of my potentional endo and very diagnosed PMDD. The PMDD was in my file, paperwork, whatever. Still, there was a lack of empathy, probably cause it's routine procedure and she was not my primary care physician, but I digress that thousands of woman forgo their pap because of experiences like mine.

My migraine finally broke around 5am, but I was in this weird state of sleep-deprived and adrenaline rush from the pain subsiding. I just laid there for hours and hours. Finally slept for maybe 3 hours, had therapy, then slept for another 7 hours. I guess I needed it! Hurting is exhausting ya'll! I need to take space and my taking space affects some people in my life. It feels unfair, but I just don't know what to do... I can only take care of myself first, and if that pushes others away, I should reconsider that relationship... it's always more nuanced than that, nothing is that simple. It's been a tug-o-war in therapy, cause I'm not good at finding middle ground with my feelings. I'm trying so hard to find balance, but it's hard, especially after forming friendships.

I'm fairly high energy when I'm feeling good, which isn't super often these days, but the rest of the time I can retreat into myself and seem disinterested. I'm sure I give some people whiplash, but I definitely don't mean to. It's something I'll have to work on for awhile still, which is frustrating. All in good time.

PMDD strikes back twice as hard this month. I've had a migraine for 3 days straight now. Been working on a webring for artists for a few days now. The page is done, might rework the code with someone else, got several graphics sketched out. Feeling like everything is taking way longer than normal though. But thankfully time feels like it's moving fast too? Nothing worse than being in pain and the days drag on. Also worrisome the days have dragged on. Oh well. Sometimes I get this existential dread, like primal fear, that I'll die soon, from the medication abuse. I don't think I actually will, it's not as bad as it could be. The fear-mongering is anxiety inducing. I'm just in a lot of pain, can't even imagine how others can properly function at this level of it. Sending love to all you in-chronic-painers.

Since making a Neocities, I try to peruse mutuals as often as I can, while also stumbling across sites new to me. It's been a mix of self-love and self-loathing, however, I'm drawn to the journals of both types of people. I can't always handle the darker ones, but I really appreicate how raw and honest they are. Then I can level out with the endearing journals that go on about their nice day.
In either case, the same few feelings are there. There's either a longing, push-and-pull desire for friendship or some kind of love and acceptance. There's also this lovely, somewhat freeing sense, when posting to the void. None of it needs a response, but some may want one. Expecting no answer to anyone but yourself is, in a sense, a form of self-love.
We like what we like, find no shame in it, and we find comfort in our own company. This space is definitely a place to make connections, but it's nice that it can also be a place to just exist and enjoy the scenery.

My last several entries have been p negative, and I want to change that a bit. I don't like having to search for the positive, since that can make me feel like there isn't enough. But we do naturally focus on the bad, so here's some good things that have happened recently.

I made another yummy pasta salad. I've found a good mix with 1 box of mini bow tie pasta, 1 orange bell pepper, 3 cups frozen peas, 1 cup red onion, several cloves of garlic, some kind of italian cheese (romano was the best so far), 1ish cup italian dressing, 2ish cups mayo, and salt and pepper to taste.

I picked up Stardew again and it's been fun, whoda thunk it? I have too many mods, but my favorites are the added produce and ingredients, so I can bake and do other fun stuff rather than just turn produce into wine/juice/jam/pickles.
Here's some really good ones:
Wildflour's Atelier Goods
Cornucopia - More Crops
Cornucopia - Artisan Machines
HxW Bakery and Cafe Furniture
Chest Deco
Iridium Recolors

I've noticed my migraines are lessening in intensity, which is very encouraging!!

Got surprised with pizza tonight woo!! Maybe not gonna be the best for my head but yknow what, it's a special treat I don't have often.

As odd and terrible as it sounds, I'm surprised it took this long for the forest fires smoke to reach us here in the valley. I'm not positive but I'm guessing it's from the Bear Gulch fire in Washington since the winds are from the northwest, but it could be from the Emigrant fire in southern Oregon as well. There are a ton of wildfires going on, as per usual every summer in the PNW. So many beautiful camping spots, hiking trails, and home to wildlife are just... burnt to a crisp. Nature will always find a way to come back, and the soot is great at feeding the soil. But boy does it take a long time to heal. It takes its toll on you mentally, to keep seeing the charred landscape that used to be lush and green. I would daydream about fairies playing in the deepest woods, peeking at me from behind moss-riddled trees. It's sad to think now, even though it's fantasy, that those fairies and other fae creatures lost their home, too. At least there is a silver lining. Watching the slow growth can be encouraging to cherish what we have, to look back on memories fondly, to know that someday the forest will grow back.

Also, last night I scratched my skin to oblivion while watching VangelinaSkov talk about this author drama on tiktok. Can't even be arsed to remember her name, even though she introduced herself in each video that was shown... The tea was so room temp, but blown so out of proportion, I just sat there absent-mindedly scratching from the absurdity of the situation. Something all artists have to deal with is the existential dread on whether their art is good enough to share. Thankfully, most of us bite the bullet and put it out there! We fail, we succeed, and the cycle continues. But some people....... Some people don't think they're good, they know they're good. And they usually aren't actually good, like at all. Thus was the case with this author, who hammed herself up for almost half a year, never releasing tidbits of the book, other than regurgitating lore that was half-assed at best. I sorta feel bad for feeling judgemental about this person. But holy shit, the audacity? Neurodivergence be damned, because that was part of her excuse for the poor release, but plenty of people in my life are autistic and would never have the gall to kiss their own ass, let alone repeatedly. There's a keen difference between being confident and..... being a narcissist. What a bummer.

This morning was rough ya’ll! And completely my own fault wow!! I have grown special plants in my backyard every year since it was legalized. Just three to four ladies to help me manage my pain. Usually I’m better at checking the weather or waking up to the sound of rain... Not today, man... I thought I was doomed in terms of a full harvest. I really need this stuff to manage my pain since pharmaceuticals don’t help, and what does isn’t covered by my insurance.

It feels like they’re drying out though! Thank goodness the trichomes make them fairly water resistant, but I’m not kidding when I say they were soaked this morning. Nine hours later with four fans and a heater, they seem fine. I could cry from joy if I wasn’t so tired from falling apart earlier.

Today was supposed to be a second Memorial day. I told myself I wouldn't focus on all that happened yesterday, the last week, y'know, globally, locally; things are not good at the moment. I knew I would get stressed out by talking to my brother about yesterday again. I told myself not to do it. Don't be tempted to argue. Don't force yourself to feel discouraged... but I did it anyway. Trying so desperately to understand him lately, why he feels so much hate, why why why why... we're raised by the same people, how did this happen? Maybe working in retail for almost fifteen years, like he said, really did do a number on him. I love him and hope he feels differently someday, but I think for my own health, I can't have any sort of meaningful conversation with him. It always turns sour. Always ends with me feeling betrayed, triggered in some way.

A few minutes into the conversation, I felt weak. Like that weakness you get, deep in your bones, right before a cold or the flu? Turns out that's my immune system going haywire, fully believing there's a virus or infection inside of me. Stress was so tangible in me, my body registered it as a threat. You've got to be kidding me? I've reacted to stress like this a handful of times but never connected the dots. I still feel awful, probably cause my body is still feeling unsafe. I don't feel good mentally, so there it is. I guess I won't feel normal again until I've calmed down a bit, but y'know how being sick is. Any more calm and I'd be dead! I dunno how to convince my body there's no bear in the room, that there's no virus coarsing through me. I am okay. I am safe. I know this.

This is something I still struggle with deeply in therapy. While I've improved soo much, I still can't manage my stress. All I'm equipped with is avoidance. I have other tools, but... It's the only thing that works for me, and it's so frustrating, cause I want to be social.

One thing that I keep cycling back to is that I'm, apparently, drawn to people who remind me of my childhood trauma. I absolutely loathe this theory, because it is probably totally true. Apparently/Most likely, I'm subconsciously trying to get a different outcome. Very desperately. To the point where I will hang on for years, hoping for that outcome to be different. It's exhausting, and I don't even know I'm doing it. Any time my therapist brings that up, I shut down or cry. At this point, I do just want to accept it. I am doing this thing that's hurting me, to make the pain go away. But rather than distract with self-harm, I know what it's like to be lavished in love and attention. Having experienced it and loved being loved, I want and need more. I know it is out there. I don't want to hide from the world or disappear completely... I want to feel that warmth again. And I always do find it, whether it's fleeting or lasts for awhile. It always ends up being conditional, though. Transactional. I can give and give so much attention and affection, but if I don't get even a fraction in return, I will withdraw. And by withdrawing, the other party sees no use in loving me as much as before. I'm not sure what the logic is... they've all been narcissists, so there's my answer. I'm just deeply unsatisfied with it. I'm unsettled by the fact I am drawn to narcissists, because surprise, surprise, I don't know they are at first. The hints are all there though, it's just, by the time I meet someone new, friend or lover, I'm starving for love. I will brush so many red flags under the rug just to get a morsel.

Can anyone relate? If so, you are worthy and deserving of unconditional love. I hope I find it someday, and I hope you do, too. Take care.

I reeeally want to make an artist webring. Neocreatives hasn't been updated since April, my application and about 130 others have just been chillin since June... I did some looking around in the ring, and it made me want to be somewhat exclusive...? I truly would want it to be inclusive, but there are some opinions held by some artists in the Neocreatives webring that I am honestly appalled by. I would want the webring to attract creatively experiemental artists, artists set in their ways, hobbyists, professionals, whoever is interested... but I would thoroughly check over sites before approving them just because they have art. Personally, I don't want any self-proclaimed misandrists or misogynists in the ring. People that promote hate speech would not be welcomed in, and there's a specific artist I'm thinking of that has been welcomed in almost every art webring I've come across... I feel like that's as exclusive as I want to be. Everyone's entitled to their opinions, free speech and all that jazz, but I can't let myself be knowingly associated with such backwards worldviews. I guess that defeats my statement if Neocreatives does get around to approving me? I honestly didn't realize how nutty some people were until digging around after applying.

Anyway, nothing is set in stone. I don't even have graphics made for the webring, or even know what I would want to call it. I considered making two; one for digital and one for traditional artists. I thought about making it based on certain styles, but that doesn't feel right either. In the end I think it will just be another artist webring, but without the "hidden hate"... and yet, the more I think about it, the more I realize people's opinions change, some haven't stated theirs openly yet, etc. Do I really want to police hateful behavior? Or do I just want to keep this space as safe for me as possible? Just throwing this all out into the cosmic void that is currently my neocities journal.

I feel like I have to censor what I say a bit here, not because it’s inappropriate, but because I'm not sure just how much I want to be out there in the open. It seems like there’s some moral conflicts going on in my life right now. It’s stressful enough that it’s been hard to catch any lengthy break from the pain for days now. I’m allotted a few hours a day of peace and pain-free, only for it to slowly creep back into my bones until I can hardly function.

The way I’ve been feeling for the last year or two is usually how I feel when a romantic relationship has run its course. Things are becoming difficult to manage and tolerate. Excusing certain behaviors and logic have started to make me bitter. I am exceptionally bitter about everything the week or two leading into my period. And that is precisely where I’m at.

But! I saw a somewhat revolutionary comment by a woman with PMDD, who came to the conclusion that everything she feels is real and happening around her; it’s just heightened around her period. One woman responded, “if I believed in that, I would kill myself”. I couldn’t believe what I was reading, and had to do a quadruple take. It didn’t make sense. One woman had found her voice and accepted it!! And one woman saw that as a detriment, if she were to do the same. Accepting that the world around her is chaotic and that she has a valid reason to be the way she is, was enough to make her want to die. It’s easier to believe we’re “crazy” and “too much”, feel sorry for ourselves, and do it all again the next day. Rather than accept no one is normal, most things are common, and the world is hard to change. The concept of accepting yourself and that you are sometimes powerless to your environment, is too much for some of us to bear.

Some of us might think, what good would that do? I’ll be in even more pain and suffering if I accept that the world as a whole will never understand me. I don’t think that’s totally true, though, but we need to be at a certain place in our journey to be able to digest that properly. Most of us are comfortable in our bubble; it’s safe, we’re less likely to be triggered, our health is manageable, etc. But we’re stagnant in our bubbles. We need to expose ourselves a little bit, let others in a little bit, see the world, just a little bit. It doesn’t have to require a plane ticket or involve long-winded travel. We just need to keep an open mind.

I’m not totally sure why I got on that tangent. Period brain noticing one topic and honing in on it, I guess? I started out with feeling conflicted, I think? That’s ironic, but really, I just feel extra around this time. None of it is fake, and I wouldn’t even call it dramatic or exaggerated. It feels... too real to be that. And I’m hoping we can all come to terms with that; we’re not crazy for having “too many” emotional days or not being able to cope with life quickly.

Throwing this in later, but did anyone play newgrounds dress up games, specifically when they were younger and shouldn't? Yeah that was me, too. So I was watching a show (SATC Season 2 ep 9 to be exact) and this song comes on that has been plaguing my brain for almost two decades!! St James by Snakefarm (the song) sounds uncannily like the theme song for that Ganguro girl dating game from newgrounds. UN. CANNY. There must be a name for that genre? I can't figure it out! But now I'm wondering if there was another dress-up game that featured that aformentioned song..

St James is not in the game I'm thinking, but the game Miss Dynamite has a similar song with that similar funky beat!! What a weird trip down memory lane.

What got me on this kick for groovy beats from the early-mid 00s? Trying to hunt down the elusive Anime Sweetheart album by Munk. It is NOWHERE online to listen to! If you've got a source, please share! Knucklebones was my favorite. Kick In Th Butt Feel was also very fun.

When I was 15 I was in love with The Ting Tings. I didn't care if they were cliche or a radio-hit band. I also loved and still love Fleetwood Mac. So you can imagine my inner fangirl melting away when I found out The Ting Tings rebranded their sound to be blues/rock as similar as Fleetwood... IT'S SO GOOD GO LISTEN!

I have a lot of impulsive thoughts; none of em' are nice. They aren't kind towards others and definitely not to myself... I've talked to my therapist, and before that took to the internet. It's pretty common apparently? But no matter who I share with, neurodivergent or neurotypical, most people are kinda weirded out. Like I can't hold knives without imagining stabbing myself, usually in the eye, other times my guts. So washing dishes is kinda nerve wracking.

I'm used to it now but really, how do you completely get used to those visuals? I've been in therapy for 3 years now and it's great but.. not all things can be fixed so easily. I also get verbally violent in my head towards others and inanimate objects.. it's super embarrassing. I talk about it. But still.. that wild rage when some small thing doesn't work out? Not even not work out, but something as lame as Neocities not refreshing my old site files for too long makes me feel irate. Overly dramatic thoughts like wanting to drag an individual for nothing they have control over. It's CRAAAZZYYY.

But I don't do that, cause that's not what I really want to do. It's always trauma, something is always a trigger... it's so exhausting. It's less exhausting than damage control but, yeah.. I feel like a bad person for all these wild thoughts. I guess as long as I can and want to control them to the best of my ability, I'm not bad? Just a person.

It's another hot day. This year has been weird, or at least my body has been weird about the heat. Normally I sweat easily, but not this year. I'm wondering if it has anything to do with being completely off prescribed meds and birth control? But last summer I felt the heat for sure! I don't know. I'm getting older, that could also be it.

So now instead of getting sweaty, I get warmer and warmer and feel super tired and migrainey until I'm in a full-blown migraine attack. I'm right at the cusp of that right now, but instead of taking some OTC meds and water and sitting up in the dark, I'm here. Tippy-tappying away cause I really love this site I've made. I don't want it to fall to the wayside cause of my health. So with that... I should really go take care of myself!

I've been in a fog all day. Went to bed too late because I couldn't decide if I needed meds or sleep. Turns out I did just need sleep, but then today.. it's definitely a migraine, I'm just so used to "fighting them off" on my own, whether that's ignoring the pain as much as I can or.. that's about it. Could also be the heat, it's like 80°F in my house, the same outside. It's "peak hours" right now though, so to save money I should wait another 2 hours before turning the air on. The fans are alright, but it's stagnant heat, so it's just blowing hot air around. Ugh.

I was writing notes on my whiteboard and with each new line of writing my letters would change quite a bit. Not the usual change but the kind that makes you think different people wrote it, or the same person wrote it at different times of the day. But nope, back to back, and my handwriting looks like I stroked out a bit. I haven't added my health problems to my about me page... probably cause I don't want to glorify them or make people pity me. I don't know really, I just don't want my chronic pain and illnesses to make me who I am, although they sure do influence me a lot!!

Horns on almost all my female characters for example. I explored why I do that a few years ago, and yeah, just makes sense I would be drawn to focus on the head of my subjects, to add horns and other things that symbolize pain. For one art project, I drew a girl's head with a crack running across it, and plant life was growing out of the crack. But the girl was crying, even though something beautiful came out of her. I feel that way about myself and my art all the time, but maybe in a less "my art is so pretty" and more "I'm proud of myself for making this". I'm surprised I've been able to type all this.

I think it's time to rest in a dark room for awhile. Take care of yourselves, everyone, and stay hydrated on hot days!

I wanted to write more yesterday but ended up being busy with friends, which was nice. Anyone remember Flashbunny? Then it was rebranded to Hulabunny? Then Anand Duncan totally revamped the site again, removing tons of amazing art, games, and videos!! I was feeling super nostalgic the last month and went on a search for old sites I used to play on.

Flashbunny was one of my faves. Hulabunny is still up but has less than half of the content. I was wondering if working for Cartoon Network had anything to do with rights to her previous work?? I couldn't find anything about why she took so much stuff down. Then again, sometimes that's what artists do! We don't always like our old stuff.

There was also a forum site for Hulabunny, you could make a cute bunny avatar and dress them up! I can't remember why it didn't take off.. maybe it did, and I forgot. Maybe it just died out with so many other forum sites. Speaking of... Freewebs anyone??? Inuyasha Journey? Creating your own forum just about you (and usually just for your eyes too cause you were either too shy to share it or no one wanted to join...).

After school in like 2006, I would come home from school, make 2 packs of easy mac in a glass bread pan, load up my freewebs page, and decorate the shit out of it with Digicharat artwork. I had no idea what it was, but I loved the look of it, and even had a hat that one of the characters wore. Yes I did wear it to school in 7th grade. Yes I did get bullied. No I did not wear it ever again. It was actually really sad. I'm glad I can look back on it now and shrug. My grandma bought me that goofy hat from an f.y.e. inside the mall. I think I got a Love Hina DVD that same trip too... my sweet, pure grandma.

Anyway, on that hunt for old sites I remembered Flashpoint! I've gone through and favorited a bunch of flash games I used to play. A bunch of Barbie and Pollypocket games, mostly dress up and scene creator stuff. Also some Bonnie Games!! I found more online but still cool. That Halloween maze game with sick music, Trick-Or-Treat Beat, from Cartoon Network!! Those silly-ass Cartoon Cartoon Summer Resort games, with the same 1-2 songs that played over and over again, but it was all worth it for those excellent sound effects and unhinged character interactions. There was also Fox Kids games, home to the infamous Toxic Torpedo, where you play as a lil shit kid under water at the pool, farting out nasty fart bubbles on other kids. Digimon Quest To Save The Net, which was so ahead of its time.

And I can't forget one of the best old school sites for kids games: Kiddonet. I had long distance friends from there just by sharing my own art and commenting on others on the drawing page of the site. It had a silly name, like The Artists Corner or something. Some reeeally talented kiddos on there back in 2005ish. I hope they all stuck with their craft or are at least doing well in life! Kiddonet eventually became GirlSense, and then that shut down around 2012 I think. I hope more kid-friendly sites are being created, because there's so much more than YouTube and everything else kids have these days.

I used to be really good at journaling. Not that they looked particularly nice but I was good about keeping track of life through journal entries. They were usually impulsive, raw, and scatter-brained. No real structure, bullet lists, to-dos, cons/pros; nothing like that. It was more like word vomit and a bit of visual noise. Messy, sporadic, unfiltered. I would like some of those elements to carry over into how I journal now, but because this is online, a lot of personality might be missing (until I'm more comfortable with coding, for now I'm still learning the basics!) So instead of frantic handwriting that's barely legible, it will all be legible!!

Layout: Itinerae Pixels: Fool Lovers Lace border: Loveberry